It’s time I break my silence about this issue. It has been something that I have not understood for 3 years. In the winter of 2014 I was raped. After that happened I decided to talk to my doctor about taking PrEP (Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis). I did it not because I sleep around or want ever single guy to shoot there load in me or vice versa. I wanted to be on it because I consider myself one of the lucky ones. Since then its been a pill everyday.

Define: (Bareback: Sex without a condom)

What is PrEP you ask? Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis(PrEP) it’s the use of anti-HIV medications to keep HIV negative people from becoming infected. PrEP is approved by the FDA and has been shown to be safe and effective at preventing HIV infection.

With that being said, constantly on Grindr I am asked, “Why be on PrEP if you don’t bareback?” Well I will give you a few reason, First off PrEP does not prevent Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Syphilis or Herpes just to name a few. Second, I don’t use PrEP for the same reason some people do. For me I just it as a precaution incase a condom breaks or god forbid I get raped again. It’s a piece of mind for me.

Third, I am not your average gay guy with the stigma or fear of dating someone who is positive. I have always said “You can’t help who you fall in love with.” If that happens to be someone who is positive then PrEP really comes in handy. If someone is positive but undetectable with HIV is considered to have an ‘undetectable’ viral load when antiretroviral treatment has brought the level of virus in their body to such low levels that blood tests cannot detect it. Which means they can’t pass it on.

Which takes me to my next topic, most people who are positive did not know they were until they got tested which indeed takes me to my next point. From my own conversation with LGBT youth between the ages of 18 and 27 some don’t have health insurance. There for they don’t get tested regularly. Maybe they have never been tested or don’t want to know their status. Plus PrEP is an expensive drug. I know my prescription for 3 months is over $5000 but after insurance I pay $130 but then I have the co-pay coupon from GILEAD which brings it to ZERO!

My entire point of writing this is because I have been bashed so many times over being on PrEP but not willing to bareback, the drug was not made to constantly blow our loads in each other. It was made to hopefully prevent HIV from spreading. If it prevented other STI’s then great it would be a perfect world but we are not there yet with medicine.

It’s your decision how you treat the drug while you take it. Everyone wants to go bare and not deal with a condom because it feels better. But STI’s are not cute and not all are curable. So why risk it?

I want your feedback on this one. What has been your experience? Have you ran into the same issue? Have you been shot down after saying your “Neg, DDF and PrEP? Tell us your story!

While visiting New York this past weekend I noticed a few things. First, large metropolitan areas have a large amount of….. how can I put this……Windows, I can’t tell you how many times I have walked down 9th Ave and looked above a store or restaurant and someone is having sex in the window, walking around naked or see a swing. It’s not a bad thing, personally I don’t think enough people embrace their sexuality nor live a healthy sex life. But thats beside the point. Also a lot of people want a lot of different things, some want sex, others want relationships and some just want to talk.

So after realizing all the activities in the windows above the street I was chatting with a few guys on Grindr and one completely caught me off guard. And let’s just go ahead and get one thing out of the way. YES, I am on Grindr, I have zero problems admitting that, I’ll probably be sitting with you at dinner and chatting with someone on Grindr not even thinking about it. I think as a young gay man, we all tend to just stick to these apps because it is easier to be out at a bar and on an app then to go up and initiate a conversation because there is less of a disappointment and for those like me who have a confidence issue at times we don’t like to be told “NO” or “I’m not interested.” So its easier.

For all of us, Grindr has either been great or its been something you hate. I use to hate it because I was completely stuck in being “relationship oriented” and it felt like Grindr made it hard to meet anyone wanting more then sex. Then after just focusing on myself and not worrying about always dating, I understood why there are apps for hooking up and meeting people. Sometimes you just want fuck and not have to “wine and dine or be wined and dinned” to get what you need. Granted I enjoy going to dinner but sometimes depending on who it is lets just get it over with and move on.

The entire reason I am writing this and your still wondering where is the “Fifty Shades” part?! So while visiting New York I received a message from a couple on Grindr. Now depending on how well you know me you should know I really don’t like couples. I have nothing about them being on Grindr, its just too many people for me. But I get this message and I’m thinking to myself, ” this is either something they send to a lot of people or they need to write erotic books for gay men.” I am going to post it below. But for me when guys send me messages like that It sounds nice but I’m really not interested in that.

I hear constantly at the bar and while in a community setting that we judge each other for using these apps, when we have all used it or at least had it downloaded on our phone. I have come to realize not everyone wants a relationship. Not everyone is meant for hookups, as gay men we are all different. As they say, different strokes for different folks.

So whats your option, what are your thoughts of Grindr, Tender, Scruff, DaddyHunt, Hornet? Do you think it has affected our community in a good or a bad way? Which is your favorite? Has it changed your life whats your #GrindrStory?

And just like that it came to me!

“Why am I still writing about the past when I could be writing about ‘real’ life things as a 22 year old?” The past is the past and if your like me you don’t have much room for skeletons in your closet, you would rather have room for clothes and shoes. You can write about it and talk about it all you want but as long as those skeletons are still in your closet, you will never move forward.

Sometimes you need to clean your closet out to be able to to live in the present instead of past. Lady Gaga has a quote I love,

“Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it’s broken, but you can still see the crack in that mother fucker’s reflection.”

So just like the mirror, instead of trying to bring those skeletons back to life, throw them away and buy a new mirror. See how beautiful life is again.

So here we are

I’ll start by introducing myself, I’m Adam, your not so average 22 year old with a crazy life. I work for the worlds largest airline. And I am simply me. A lot of people might think I weird, and a bit annoying, others find me adorable and quite smart but that’s what makes me unique. As someone who is 22-ish and trying to find their place in life I have decided to let everyone in and whats it like to be me and the crazy thoughts that go through my head. Not for any reason other then to put my opinion out there and see where it goes. I can’t be the only one dealing with these things.

This blog is not meant to offend anyone, nor make anyone uncomfortable. It’s to simply explain and help to see for those who are not 22-ish and on the edge of 23 the life and struggles and things we go through to hopefully understand what my generation is dealing with……well maybe not like everyone else but maybe people doing similar things as me.

Full Disclosure: In this blog it will be raw. I will talk about anything and everything. Nothing is off limits. So read at your on risk.

-Adam