So it occurred to me finally and I fully understood what “a blessing and a curse” means. So while having a conversation, in which was very hard for me to have, someone finally made me realize what this saying means. We were talking someone being beautiful, like being physically beautiful. First off this is not a vane post, nor am I trying to speak highly of myself but someone finally made me realize something about myself I have denied for years.

I have always known that I was different then other people but it fully occurred to me how others view me. Let me start with how I see myself when I look in the mirror. The person that stares back at me is completely not how I feel on the inside, I look at myself and see all the imprefections. I see the stretch marks around my waste and back. I see the rosasha, I see eyes that are tired. I see someone who tries really hard to hide from the world whats inside.

I have always tried to look good. I hide with makeup and what makes others happy yet I am intimidated by others. If you know me your probably thinking “what in the fuck is Adam talking about?” Believe it or not I see other guys and wish to look like them. I don’t see myself as beautiful, I know I am attractive but I don’t want to become one of those guys who are assholes because they know they look good. I have always tried to be a down to earth person. I use my looks to protect me.

I have used my looks and body to get what I needed in the past. But someone pointed something out to me that I did not notice, only because I was use to it. When I walk into a bar when someone grabs my ass, or gropes my dick that is not okay. I honestly just put up with it to get by and get to who ever I was going to talk to. But this is not a good feeling when you can’t go to one gay bar and not be grabbed by someone. I did not give you permission to grope me or touch me and that is sexual assault.

Being attractive, or what my friend said which was “beautiful” is a blessing but a curse. On one hand you look great, on the other, everyone just wants to get with you because of the way you look and not just because your you. The truth is I have feelings under all the make up and glitter. I did not ask for my looks or to be blessed with an ass. And to be treated like a piece of ass feels really bad. I would honestly give my looks up to have someone who loved me for just me. Thankfully I have my looks because I don’t have much other going for me, I am really not that smart and I don’t have that great of a job. But since this has been brought to my attention I had to write about it.

There was a time in my life where I needed the attention to get day to day to make me feel important. So I would do things like glitter hairspray or tight jeans or make up. Now I don’t want all the attention, I just want to be me, and I am happy with myself. I don’t want all the attention of the world. Thats one reason I deleted my old facebook and tried to rebrand myself. I wanted people to see the new “Adam.”

I wonder if I will ever have a normal relationship with always getting attention, will the other person be able to handle it and truly still like me for me? I use to love the attention but I am starting to hate it. I wish guys would not see me as a 22 year old sex symbol. I have made my fair share of bad decisions in my life but when do people look past those and actually see the real you? I have always felt like if someone can look past the past and the looks and really look deep down they could see someone amazing.

I want to know what its like.

Dear 18-year-old Adam:

Its your senior year and there will be a-lot of obstacles, don’t give up because you will often times want to. Instead of running to Charlotte every chance you get stick around to hang out with friends from high school and build relationships with people even if your scared to. You will meet a guy and he will break you heart because he wants the best for you but don’t let it turn you bitter. There will be plenty of men in the future and this one is simply not the one for you.  Shortly after Christmas you will become homeless but it will be okay because your strong enough too handle it. During this time a lot of unfair things will happen but you are smart enough to get through any obstacle. Don’t be afraid to allow people to help you, you don’t always have to act okay when your not.

Its okay to ask for help during this time instead of doing things that will hurt you down the road. Its okay to be 18 and need money for food and going to the doctor and its important for you to have a safe space to stay. Don’t feel guilty for what you had to do to make it day to day. After graduation you will move in an apartment in Charlotte knowing you can’t afford it but you will continue to make it work as long as possible. You will meet a guy and you will get engaged in September, this will all fall apart and when it does you are going to give up and loose everything including your home and car, but it will be okay. You will meet a total stranger and get in their car and end up in Atlanta, while there you will experience hell. You can say “NO” but of course your too scared of what will happen if you say no so you lay there and allow him to rape you because your afraid if you don’t have sex with them you will not have a place to live or food to eat. This is not okay and it will effect you for a few years till you forgive yourself.

In early December you will come home and you will couch surf for a year, and you will have some of the best but also lowest times of your life during this time. But you will push through it like you always do. And jumping off the bridge over 277 is not an option and will never be one so stop being dramatic and let people know you need help because you can’t do everything by yourself.

One of the best things you will learn during this time is not only how strong you are but also how to live and use your resources and do what you have to, to keep your head above water.

Stop eating McDonalds at 3am and enough diet cokes.

Don’t be afraid to ask for a ride home if its 30degrees outside and all you have is a small coat and a pair of leather boots that have a hole in the bottom of them. You can’t afford to get sick.

Forgive mom and dad, we all make mistakes in life and both you and them could of handled the situation better.

Know its okay to be a mess at 18, you will figure it all out.

Pay your bills, it will make life easier later, credit does matter.

Try to stop smoking.

Don’t allow others to make you feel less.

Understand you are beautiful and not broken.

Stop beating yourself up and give yourself some credit!

Put the painkillers down before they kill you.

The next few years will have many ups and downs but please enjoy being young and crazy, stop being scared of the world and please don’t think everyone is out to hurt you. Please stop worrying about money and being upset that you never had a normal childhood and that you can’t always afford to do what everyone else is doing. You are only 18. You will become a beautiful person with a huge heart, you will have many road trips to Myrtle Beach and many flights to many different places. And you will make many, many, many fuckups. But they will make you, you and even more fabulous and they will be learning experiences.

Love,

Edge of 23 Adam.

PS……..Everytime you fail you will gain something. Sometimes we have to loose to win again! Love yourself and wear those shoes or pants or do your hair the way you feel beautiful. You don’t have to be what everyone wants you to be. Be you and live your life for you, that will set you free.
Hello, and welcome to another fabulous post from yours truely and I’m not talking about that amazing malt beverage.

So this past Saturday I went to an event at the local LGBT bar in Charlotte called Argon, They were having an event called FūRNACE, And if you know me I don’t go to many events but now that I am no longer attending anything at Bar 316/1820 I am seeing the other options and opportunities at other places and it has been quite a refreshing experience.

In a way I miss Bar 316 but in other ways I’m glad to no longer be part of the drama, Especially coming from someone who would go their religiously and not walk foot into any other establishment. But with this fantastic event at Argon I realized somethings. First and foremost, we desperately need more events like this one. It was a mix of all the gay tribes: Bears, Twinks, Jocks, Mussel, Guy Next Door, Otters, everyone! It was like we were a community again for one night. It was free of drama and had some awesome music. Charlotte needs this kind of bar and events to keep things interesting. So Kudos to the bar and event planner!

With these kind of events it brings opportunity to meet new people, network, and dance the night away. I feel like this should be a once a week thing. But a theme every week. I mean lets be honest, who does not love a good 80s theme night?

Going to new bars like Argon and the Woodshed already and Chasers and Scorpios are still not on my list, I am honestly meeting so many new people and experiencing so many new things. It’s amazing how one bad experience and being over the bar drama will open up new connections. I honestly regret not going to Cathode more when it was open. I am just over the entire bar wars and crazy shit that is happening with different places. I would rather spend my money else where.

This makes me extremely excited about pride this year, its normally the same old take over at a SPG/Marriott property, then to Bar 316 then either drunk at home or at a house after party. But this year it is a new bar, new people and a change of mind and plans for pride.

I challenge all my LGBT friends this year at pride to do something different, change your bar up, do something you have always wanted to do and lets let 2018 pride be one we wont forget!

Hello Beautiful People. And welcome to another wonderful post from yours truly. Oh my gosh guys, So many new things are happening. From no longer smoking to getting back in touch with my intuition by exploring the use of crystals, and no I don’t mean crystal meth. I’m talking about the solid mineral that come from earth, not grown in a bath tub or a kiddie pool in the back office of a store at the outlet mall.

So what everyone is going to be so happy about is I quit smoking one week ago today. Lord this second time quitting has not been easy, for one Chantix is the devil. First off the dreams I have are just so insane and quite scary, secondly why is it that I can take the little blue pill (Chantix is a little blue pill, its not the one your thinking of, I don’t require Viarga yet.) but why is it that I take this devil of a pill and feel like i’m dying 5 minutes later? This is a terrible side effect and I would rather smoke then have that feeling. Enough about that, Thanks for the support.

Moving on, Now the Crystals, oh the crystals! It will probability the closest thing I will ever get to a diamond in my life but I’m quite okay with that, crystals have value too. There is something about the vibrations you feel when you hold a type of crystal that can really help your mood, energy, clear your mind, optimize your health, remove creativity block, bring abundance and prosperity, relieve stress and anxiety, cultivate love and protect against bad energy. Its all truly amazing. I have really been into it the last 2 weeks. And I can tell my life is changing slowly but surely. I feel more relaxed, I can breath better, I can tell a difference in my mood, I can tell my mind is clear and I can focus on one thing more in detail. And I can tell my energy is elevated to a much higher place then it was before.

So it was official, my virginity has been renewed, after a two and a half months without sex. Honestly I have no idea what was happening with me or why it was just not happening. Its so funny though because the entire time I kept seeing those “Day 98 without sex: I slammed on breaks so my seatbelt could choke me” memes going around the internet. And I hate to say it but its true, I’m so glad to know I am not the only one experiencing a drought. So also a week ago when I quit smoking I also deleted all the gay apps. So its been a difficult week, I have asked myself everyday why I pay Verizon a fortune every month when I don’t use my phone now. But then it happened, after having 2 dates with a guy who I’m very much interested in that happens to be 26 it happened. I felt like a new man afterwords.

Now, who does not love a good cup of tea? And I’m not talking about the one you drink either. So I really did not want to talk about this, but I was unfortunately roofied for the first time about 4 weeks ago. On June 22 I joined some coworkers for a cocktail, after 1 vodka sprite and a shot of patron I started to feel extremely drunk. If you know me I can have about 6 strong cocktails and be fine. I don’t ever get super intoxicated in public due to I think if your going to drink you should be able to hold your liquor. It’s common courtesy. After starting to feel this way, I requested an Uber, was not even able to make it back inside to close my tab due to the fact my body was starting to shut down, almost did not make it to my car but thankfully a friend was helping me, got home spent at least 5 minutes trying to figure out how to get in my front door, got inside alone because my roommate was in Europe, made it up the stairs, and half way into the bathroom, as I laid on the floor I started convulsing, and getting sick and blacked out. Woke up the next morning in my bed with all my clothes on, a broken Apple Watch face and confused.

Since then I have not been back to the establishment, After talking to countless other people and they had the same thing happen after being to the same place, Here is my issue,  First off everyone is roofed probably once in there life, its unfortunate but it happens I guess. I did not think it would ever happen to me but it did. To whom ever decided to put something in my drink and others, When you think its cute or whatever reason you did it. Remember, you are putting that persons life in danger, if they drive home, they could hit and kill someone or themselves and guess what, it would come back on the establishment, prime example a peer of mine who I saw out had the same thing happen to him, he was on a date and woke up in his car at a different establishment, having no idea or memory of ever driving there and a text from his date saying “What the fuck man”. This is not okay but karma is a bitch and what goes around comes around. It’s a fact. Since then I have had maybe 3 cocktails in a months time. It’s so sad, I truly do miss my vodka sprite, or should I say Titos with a drop of sprite. I feel like I am 17 again and never had liquor.

Look, these are my options, and experiences, I protect everyones privacy. No Individuals or Establishments were included in this blog. I have every right as an individual to write about what I please. Thats what freedom of speech is all about. And this blog is all about being open and honest without fear. Not trying to put anyone down or badmouth anyone because I am all about Positive Vibes and Positive Energy. I wish everyone could feel the way I do and express themselves. Don’t Every forget. The Truth Will Set You Free.

– Adam

So I have wanted to write about the use of drugs in the gay community for a long time. And I was not sure how to start this so I’ll give it a whirl. First and foremost I am not writing about this topic to put anyone down or judge them, I just want to understand it. So here within the past 6 months I have noticed a few things that I don’t quite understand. Why is it in the gay community is the use of drugs so high?

Don’t get me wrong I am not in the straight community enough to know what they use and why they do it but I can speak for my experience in the gay community. So with that being said, my experience with the use of drugs has always been very limited, not because I am against it, mainly its because I have enough issues with my body that I don’t need anymore. But I have been offered Molly and Cocaine and Ecstasy, and I have watched people who do it and they seem to have a ton of fun while under the influence of it.

So with the offer always standing I don’t try for another reason, one of the largest I work for an airline and we are drug tested for everything. In which we should. But there is this new drug (which is old but new to me) if its any constellation, growing up I did not know the difference between weed and marijuana, if that explains anything. But this “new” drug that keeps coming up is called “G” and from what I understand its the same thing as the date rape drug minus the alcohol. And from my research its “GHB”.

And from what I have been told its gives you a high but you CAN NOT drink with it. But from what I see in the news “G” is one of the easiest drugs to over dose on. It’s honestly kind of funny how I found out about it. Someone who I use to have relations with and is in the medical field, him and his “poesy” were all out one night and I asked what they were on because it was definitely not alcohol, they were all drinking red bull and water and what not, so I knew it was some kind of drug.

So being the bold person I am, I asked. He said it was “G”. Since that night I have noticed and wondered,  “Okay whats all these guys on?” The ones that are not drinking its obvious at that point. And who knows I might be completely wrong.

But with that all being said I have asked people I know who experiment with drugs why? Some say its because it makes them feel better as a person, others say its only a recreational thing they do. Some use it purely for sex and to take that to a whole new level. Which in all honesty I really can’t judge anyone for any of there own personal reasons they use it. It’s their life, their body, and their decision.

I just want to understand why because I can’t experience any of them. For the ones that say they use drugs to make them feel better, why not just be you and let us see the “real” you and let us love that instead of this mask or wall you put up to not allow us to see it? For those that use it for recreational use, that’s great. And for those who use it to make your sex so much better, what is it actually doing? Does it make you be able to go at it for hours? Does it make you have multiple orgasms that are mind blowing? And lets face it, every single gay man wants to be able to fuck like a porn star.

I just want to understand it, I know its hard to understand something without trying it first but when your not in a position to be able to try, you need ways to understand it. Personally I have noticed in the community that if your willing to take part in the use of drugs people tend to like you more. Because as far as I have read the use of Drugs and Alcohol in the gay community as always been alive and well, but its like within the past 6 months to a year its been way more noticeable. Maybe I have just started to be more social instead of being on my phone while at a bar or an event. Maybe I have just started paying more attention to whats going on.

But I want to make it clear, I am not judging anyone, I don’t think any less of you if you partake in the use of drugs and this is coming from someone who at one point in my life had an issue with Hydrocodone, I took it to make me feel better about myself, because at one point Charlotte made me feel so much less than everyone else here. I did not have the money of others, I had a fucked up childhood, I was not having the sex like everyone was and I did not have the job like everyone else and I did not have my “Click” I was apart of because I consider myself an equal opportunist, I want to be friends with everyone. I don’t want to limit the people who I can hang out with or have a good time with. So I took a drug everyday to make me feel better. The moment I realized I had to do something about it was when I was loosing my job and loosing control of my life. I left Charlotte and moved to the beach to work on myself. I had to find what made me happy again.

Now that I am “Sober” from the use of drugs I have realized I don’t need to make the same money and its okay that I had a rough childhood and have the same sex and have a ton of friends to love myself and feel good about Adam. It has taken along time for me to realize these things. Everyday I have the constant reminder of the past, things that hurt me and that effected me, but I deal with them every morning before getting out of bed. I do it by telling myself its going to be a great day and a new start and that I have came a long way. So that’s my story. No Judgment, I get it.

So what are your thoughts, comment below or email me. adamefird1@icloud.com

It’s time I break my silence about this issue. It has been something that I have not understood for 3 years. In the winter of 2014 I was raped. After that happened I decided to talk to my doctor about taking PrEP (Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis). I did it not because I sleep around or want ever single guy to shoot there load in me or vice versa. I wanted to be on it because I consider myself one of the lucky ones. Since then its been a pill everyday.

Define: (Bareback: Sex without a condom)

What is PrEP you ask? Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis(PrEP) it’s the use of anti-HIV medications to keep HIV negative people from becoming infected. PrEP is approved by the FDA and has been shown to be safe and effective at preventing HIV infection.

With that being said, constantly on Grindr I am asked, “Why be on PrEP if you don’t bareback?” Well I will give you a few reason, First off PrEP does not prevent Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Syphilis or Herpes just to name a few. Second, I don’t use PrEP for the same reason some people do. For me I just it as a precaution incase a condom breaks or god forbid I get raped again. It’s a piece of mind for me.

Third, I am not your average gay guy with the stigma or fear of dating someone who is positive. I have always said “You can’t help who you fall in love with.” If that happens to be someone who is positive then PrEP really comes in handy. If someone is positive but undetectable with HIV is considered to have an ‘undetectable’ viral load when antiretroviral treatment has brought the level of virus in their body to such low levels that blood tests cannot detect it. Which means they can’t pass it on.

Which takes me to my next topic, most people who are positive did not know they were until they got tested which indeed takes me to my next point. From my own conversation with LGBT youth between the ages of 18 and 27 some don’t have health insurance. There for they don’t get tested regularly. Maybe they have never been tested or don’t want to know their status. Plus PrEP is an expensive drug. I know my prescription for 3 months is over $5000 but after insurance I pay $130 but then I have the co-pay coupon from GILEAD which brings it to ZERO!

My entire point of writing this is because I have been bashed so many times over being on PrEP but not willing to bareback, the drug was not made to constantly blow our loads in each other. It was made to hopefully prevent HIV from spreading. If it prevented other STI’s then great it would be a perfect world but we are not there yet with medicine.

It’s your decision how you treat the drug while you take it. Everyone wants to go bare and not deal with a condom because it feels better. But STI’s are not cute and not all are curable. So why risk it?

I want your feedback on this one. What has been your experience? Have you ran into the same issue? Have you been shot down after saying your “Neg, DDF and PrEP? Tell us your story!

While visiting New York this past weekend I noticed a few things. First, large metropolitan areas have a large amount of….. how can I put this……Windows, I can’t tell you how many times I have walked down 9th Ave and looked above a store or restaurant and someone is having sex in the window, walking around naked or see a swing. It’s not a bad thing, personally I don’t think enough people embrace their sexuality nor live a healthy sex life. But thats beside the point. Also a lot of people want a lot of different things, some want sex, others want relationships and some just want to talk.

So after realizing all the activities in the windows above the street I was chatting with a few guys on Grindr and one completely caught me off guard. And let’s just go ahead and get one thing out of the way. YES, I am on Grindr, I have zero problems admitting that, I’ll probably be sitting with you at dinner and chatting with someone on Grindr not even thinking about it. I think as a young gay man, we all tend to just stick to these apps because it is easier to be out at a bar and on an app then to go up and initiate a conversation because there is less of a disappointment and for those like me who have a confidence issue at times we don’t like to be told “NO” or “I’m not interested.” So its easier.

For all of us, Grindr has either been great or its been something you hate. I use to hate it because I was completely stuck in being “relationship oriented” and it felt like Grindr made it hard to meet anyone wanting more then sex. Then after just focusing on myself and not worrying about always dating, I understood why there are apps for hooking up and meeting people. Sometimes you just want fuck and not have to “wine and dine or be wined and dinned” to get what you need. Granted I enjoy going to dinner but sometimes depending on who it is lets just get it over with and move on.

The entire reason I am writing this and your still wondering where is the “Fifty Shades” part?! So while visiting New York I received a message from a couple on Grindr. Now depending on how well you know me you should know I really don’t like couples. I have nothing about them being on Grindr, its just too many people for me. But I get this message and I’m thinking to myself, ” this is either something they send to a lot of people or they need to write erotic books for gay men.” I am going to post it below. But for me when guys send me messages like that It sounds nice but I’m really not interested in that.

I hear constantly at the bar and while in a community setting that we judge each other for using these apps, when we have all used it or at least had it downloaded on our phone. I have come to realize not everyone wants a relationship. Not everyone is meant for hookups, as gay men we are all different. As they say, different strokes for different folks.

So whats your option, what are your thoughts of Grindr, Tender, Scruff, DaddyHunt, Hornet? Do you think it has affected our community in a good or a bad way? Which is your favorite? Has it changed your life whats your #GrindrStory?

And just like that it came to me!

“Why am I still writing about the past when I could be writing about ‘real’ life things as a 22 year old?” The past is the past and if your like me you don’t have much room for skeletons in your closet, you would rather have room for clothes and shoes. You can write about it and talk about it all you want but as long as those skeletons are still in your closet, you will never move forward.

Sometimes you need to clean your closet out to be able to to live in the present instead of past. Lady Gaga has a quote I love,

“Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it’s broken, but you can still see the crack in that mother fucker’s reflection.”

So just like the mirror, instead of trying to bring those skeletons back to life, throw them away and buy a new mirror. See how beautiful life is again.

So here we are

I’ll start by introducing myself, I’m Adam, your not so average 22 year old with a crazy life. I work for the worlds largest airline. And I am simply me. A lot of people might think I weird, and a bit annoying, others find me adorable and quite smart but that’s what makes me unique. As someone who is 22-ish and trying to find their place in life I have decided to let everyone in and whats it like to be me and the crazy thoughts that go through my head. Not for any reason other then to put my opinion out there and see where it goes. I can’t be the only one dealing with these things.

This blog is not meant to offend anyone, nor make anyone uncomfortable. It’s to simply explain and help to see for those who are not 22-ish and on the edge of 23 the life and struggles and things we go through to hopefully understand what my generation is dealing with……well maybe not like everyone else but maybe people doing similar things as me.

Full Disclosure: In this blog it will be raw. I will talk about anything and everything. Nothing is off limits. So read at your on risk.

-Adam