Mental Health is one of the most important thing in life. Let’s take a deep dive into my own mental health and depression and anxiety from over the years, not to make you feel sorry for me in anyway but to hopefully help anyone who is struggling with their own mental health. Enough people are not honest when it comes to their own with others.

I put on a really good face to shield anyone from seeing how I really feel on the inside. Only one person has seen me at my absolute worst. I never thought anyone would understand my feelings or struggles in life from my prospective. My depression started when I was twelve. I was struggling to come to terms with being gay. Once I decided to come out over a six-month long process to different people and not everyone at one time my anxiety grew worse and worse. At fourteen after coming out, being abused mentally, emotionally and physically with no where to turn, I tried my hardest to hold it together. After moving in with my grandmother after being kicked out I was struggling with feeling loved or having a meaning in life. It was spring break of 2011. I went over to my uncles farm house. I thought if my parents could not love me, my sisters and grandmother(who was in early stages of dementia), I thought if none of them could show me love then a guy could. I invited someone from Facebook to come over and have sex with me for the first time in my life. My aunt came home for lunch, we were already done. Two hours later she stated “I need you boys to wrap it up, I am going back to work”. Being the gentleman I am I walked him to his car, gave him a hug and sent him on his way.

I felt better, then I walked back into the house. My aunt said as soon as I came in the door “Adam, I know why he was here and it was not for the reasons you told me. I can not believe you would disrespect your uncle and myself in this way”. I was shocked, I was scared, I needed to throw up. I asked “Are you going to tell mom?” She said “I don’t know what I am going to do”. I sat in the living room after she left trying to figure out how I could get out of this. Then my mother drove up the driveway. She came in the door and said “Adam, how old is he? What is his name and where does he live?” My anxiety shot to 120%. I told her, not knowing what else to do. Asked her “What are you going to do now? Call the Police?” She responded with “They are already on their way”. At this point my heart had completely broken in half. Next thing I know is the phone was ringing, It said “Albemarle Police Department“. I answered, they asked to speak to my mother so I gave her the phone. She started to tell them all this information about the guy. I had a total mental break, my entire life flashed before my eyes and I could not do it anymore. I ran into the kitchen, grabbed a knife and blacked out. Once I came back, I was on the floor, yelling at my mother “Fuck you bitch, you fucking ruined my life, I fucking hate you!” My grandfather showed up, my father showed up, two police officers, my moms sister and my aunt and uncle who I was staying with. It was a family reunion because “Adam had sex”. I gave the polices officers the information they needed because he was 19 and I was 15. I told them it was not rape, It was 100% my own choice to do it. But after sitting in another area of the front yard from everyone else, The officers came back.

They told me “Because you are still a minor, we have to do what your parents want us to do.” I asked what that was and they responded with “Your Parents want you to go get a psychiatric evaluation.” I had no choice so I went. After seeing seven different psychologic professionals and 10 hours in the ER, I was ruled fit to return home. But to my parents, I was not fit to return. They were worried about their safety as well as my grandmothers. They thought I would hurt them or kill them. That was never the case. Clearly not everyone educates themselves on what you are trying to do when you attempt suicide. With my parents considering me to not be “fit” or “safe” to return home. Child Protective Services (CPS) would now take over. When I had a caseworker and after speaking with her on what the next plan for me was, my heart completely broke. After going home with my parents for three hours after being released (which I still found weird since CPS was involved, but whatever, my mother works for Social Services, I am sure that had something to do with it) I went home and slept on the sofa for three hours while my dad and his best friend watched me sleep (which I still think is weird to this day). I woke up took a shower and my parents and I got on the road.

I asked in the car where we were going? My mother told me “We are taking you to a Youth Shelter in Gastonia, called: With Friends.” I was scared, I knew I did not belong there, I did not know all of my freedom was literally going to be taken away. I could not make phone calls but to “X,Y,Z” not being able to receive mail, talk to my friends, not go outside. I needed the support from friends and family that I had prior to coming out during this time. I could not talk to a single one of them. I was upset and went to my room and started throwing notebooks and school work. I was upset and had not one in my safety net to speak with. After that I had to leave and my parents had to come pick me up. I was then taken to another Youth Shelter in Charlotte called “The Relatives.”

The Relatives was much like With Friends. It was another Youth Shelter, except I had to share a room with four other boys. The first week I was there was when I first experienced a Hate Crime again an LGBT person. One night in my sleep, I woke up with two other boys beating me with a bar of soap in a pillow case. I set the alarms off in the home. Needless to say they were taken out in handcuffs that night. The prior day, they vandalized and destroyed my clothing and bathroom products, which was the only thing I had with me. My case was dropped with CPS, which by the way I have still not been able to get access to those files stating why. I had to leave The Relatives, I no longer had a “Need” to take up a spot for a youth that was in a crisis. My aunt who lived in Charlotte picked me and explained to me that I was coming home with her for two weeks until my parents had a plan and heard back from different places. She told me “Adam, what you did was not right, regardless of if it was a girl or a boy, I do not feel like you are a threat to my family or to myself. But I do have to follow what your mother has asked me to do.” I said with her for two weeks until she had to go to Boston on a business trip. She told me “Adam, I do not want to take you back to The Relatives, your parents will not let you stay alone at my house and I can’t override their wishes, please be on your best behavior and hopefully nothing bad will happen like last time, I do not want to take you back. I was back at The Relatives for another week then one day my mom showed up and told me my placement had been found and that I needed to pack my things so she could take me.

I asked in the car where I was going. My mother responded with “You are going to live in a group home for a while called Nazareth Children’s Home.” I felt as if I was being passed off for the forth time in a year for someone else to deal with. I still was not able to chat with my friends or see or talk to any of my “safety net”. I was told I would be in “Naz” for three to six months in a treatment program where I received therapy every week. I went in on June 12, 2011 and did not leave until June 10, 2012. I was there for six extra months after asking why, I was told “Adam is just doing so well in school, we would hate to mess that up.” I knew years later that I was there because my parents were trying to figure out where I was going to go next after my time their ran out. After being in Naz one month, my caretaker Mr. Q came to me and said “Adam, Why are you here? You are fine, you are gay and thats okay, your parents need to get over it.” I knew nothing was seriously wrong with me, I had my issues as every child does but my major issues steamed from how was treated growing up. I was angry, I was hurt, I needed attention and unconditional love, not live in fear everyday. I was trying my best to control it.

After leaving Naz. I returned home with my parents, I lived at home one year, during that year, I had pretty much returned to the same situation that I left. Still was not accepted, still could not socialize or do things with my friends. That next summer between my junior and senior year I went to Charlotte to work a summer job and live with my aunt and uncle. Three months after living with my aunt and uncle, I finally understood what conditional love was. They did not care, make me feel ashamed, let me go be social with my friends, as well as attend pride for the first time. When the summer was over, I did not want to go back home. I felt I was at home. After starting my senior year in high school I decided to get a weekend job in Charlotte to escape my life I hated so much in Albemarle. I worked as a barista at Panera Bread in uptown on College Street. I worked there a very short time after quitting. But with being in Charlotte every weekend I met someone, and we started dating. We celebrated my eighteenth Birthday, had a Christmas Party and then on December 23, 2013 we broke up and I was heart broken. The relationship we had, I needed more than ever during that time. He taught me some of the most important things in life. How to enjoy the finer things in life as well as the simple things and how to appreciate them. What my self worth was. But also showed me a life I had never experienced.

Shortly after we broke up, I decided to go to Texas to see my aunt who was lesbian at the time and see a friend who lived there. I purchased a ticket on USAirways and told my mom I was going. The day I turned 18, my parents made me sign a piece of paper that was non-negotiable stating that “If I do not follow their rules of “Telling/Asking them where I go” that they had every right to kick me out. The morning of my flight at approximately 3:45 in the morning I had a message from my mother asking me if I was awake. I said “Yes mom, what do you need?” She pointed out to me that she was afraid “If you go to Dallas then your father will be upset and he will kick you out.” I told my mother that “I have changed my life enough for dad, I am going.” She said “Well when this happens, don’t tell me I did not tell you so.” So I went, arrived in Dallas, my plans did not work out, so I changed my flight to come back to Charlotte that same night.

I used the money I was going to spend in Dallas and stayed at The Westin in Charlotte for the weekend. I have a weird obsession with The Westin in Charlotte. While there, I discovered that my friend from high school and her family were staying there as well and had planned to spend Sunday just enjoying the city unlike we could back in our hometown. I slept too late on Sunday, when I woke up I had a two missed phone calls, one from my mother and one from my grandmother. I listened to the voicemails and the one from my grandmother I could hear it in her voice that something was wrong. My mothers voicemail just said to call her before I leave Charlotte. I was thinking she needed me to pickup something from Target. I called her, I said “Hey Mom! Whats up?” She responded with “We need you at your aunt and uncles house in South Charlotte at 4:00PM.” I told her I had plans with my friend and her family explained I could not be there at that time. She responded with “We have changed the locks on the house.”

I arrived in South Charlotte on time. I walked in the door and before the door could close and before I could sit down I said “Alright, why are we here?” My aunt, uncle, father and mother were there. I guess my aunt and uncle were going to mediate this meeting(Not what happened). My mother responded with “We are tired of the disrespect, we are tired of you not telling us where you are going, we need the keys to your car, the house key and for you to move your stuff out today. We just want you to graduate High School.” I was upset, my car was blocked into the driveway, I went to my car to smoke a cigarette and call my aunt, my original safety net. I was hoping she would tell me not to worry, I was hoping she would save me and tell me to come stay with her. This did not happen. After finally wrapping up the meeting and finding someone to come pick me up from my childhood home and move all my belongings out, I went to stay with my best friend while knowing the next day I had to walk into school and either drop out or get my classes online. I was able to get them online and then had to start the search for a place to live.

I stayed with two gay men in Albemarle that I knew for a few years. Then finally found someone to stay with. It was a guy I tried to date after I came back from Charlotte. I had no car, I had no money, the guy I was living with lived 15 minutes away from a store. At the time I was also unaware that the guy I was living with was having an issue with addiction with alcohol. After my parents kicked me out for the final time, my mother made me come to the Department of Social Services and apply for Food Stamps and Medicaid. I was on welfare at age 18. I was ashamed of it. I was also doing solo adult entertainment online to pay my phone bill as well as have money for food and the rent I never paid. After living with this guy for two months who also did not have a car, I started sneaking into my aunt and uncles home that was in the same neighborhood to take a tiny bit of their food as well as escape the madness from where I was living. I then started sleeping over there. After a while, my aunt and uncle caught onto what I was doing and how I was getting money as well as my situation. So my aunt told me to move everything into their basement and ride to the beach with my uncle. I was coming to stay with her until I graduated high school. I stayed with her for 3 months until I came home to graduate. So I walked across the stage and I was still living at my aunt and uncles lake home.

I called my aunt to ask her when I was coming back to the beach. She told me to look for an apartment in Charlotte. I asked her how I was going to pay for it and she told me to not worry about it just look. So I did. My aunt and uncle gave me my first months rent and security deposit. I had a place to finally call home. Started working at TCBY and then was fired for over sleeping. Then I met someone, dated, got engaged then called it off. I loved the guy, I thought I could handle his issues and my own and I could not. So when we broke up, I started to loose track of my life again. I lost my apartment, Turned in the keys and had a random stranger come pick me up from Atlanta after meeting him once. I did not like the guy, I just needed a place far way from Charlotte to live and try to work on getting my life back on track. This was the furthest thing that happened. I was raped and locked in a basement while in Atlanta three days after my 19th Birthday. I was down there for 2 weeks before contacting someone on Grindr to take me to the Amtrak station to come back to Charlotte. I made it back to Charlotte in the early hours in early December. I called the only person I knew that would pick up the phone. My first boyfriend who to this day is my best friend and roommate. I went to his condo and stayed with him for a few days. Then met someone out at The Bar at 316. I ended up moving in with him for two months.

At this point, I still did not have a job. After the two months with the guy, I had to find somewhere else to live. I contacted a guy I had met when I first moved to Charlotte. He let me come stay with him for what seemed to be four months until he moved. During that time I did not really work. I worked as a bar back for a few nights then that ended. During this time I was in a deep depression. I could not hold a job because of this. I would have sex for money to be able to eat, have bus money as well as my medication and my phone bill. I say to this day how I am not HIV positive is beyond me. I did not care about anything during this time in my life. But then one day I decided this was not my life and I needed to do something to change my life and get it back on track. There is a LGBTQ Youth Center in Charlotte called Time Out Youth. They had a program called the “Host Home Program”. With this program you had to meet a certain requirement to be eligible.

I met all the requirements, I had two host parents, David and George. They were fantastic! Before completing this program they were moving to Dallas. I wanted to go with them so much! Unfortunately Time Out Youth would not allow me to move with them. I was devastated. David and George helped me get a job, gave me a safe place to sleep, food to eat and experiences. When they moved, they helped me find a place to live. I moved in with a friend of David and George and rented a room. It was wonderful but a little hard for me to take the bus to work everyday. After living there two months, I moved to NoDa. It was wonderful but I could not afford it but still made it work every month. Three months later, my new roommate bought a home and was moving so I had to move as well. At the time, I had resigned from my job. So I did not have one. I ended up getting a job as a Concierge at Fifth and Poplar in Uptown, Charlotte. I started dating a guy before I had to move and was working 80+ hours a week. I did not have time to look for a place to move to so I moved in with him. I lived there ten months until the day we broke up.

After we broke up, I moved into a townhome with a flight attendant that I had known since I was fifteen. During that time, I was not happy with my life. I had very few friends in Charlotte. Did not have a normal group or fit in. Most of the community in Charlotte saw me as the Twink that had five hundred problems with life and that was a complete disaster. I was working for the airline at this point. I was spending my days at work and evenings alone at home. I finally had a car. I was able to go places and not have people pick me up. That changed nothing. To numb my emotions and feelings and depression, I started using hydrocodone everyday to help me make it day to day. After driving for Uber one evening, A drunk driver hit my car and totaled it. I had planned to move to San Diego two weeks after I totaled my car but when that happened, I gave up. I could not get work to take back my two-week notice, I was loosing my home yet again. I called the only person who I knew would not judge me. My aunt. I went to see her at the beach and she asked me when I was going back to work and I looked at her and said “There is no more work” and poured my heart out on the table and told her everything.

She told me that I needed to go back to Charlotte, get my belongings, I was going to come live with her, get off the pills, get a job and get my life back on track. That is exactly what I did. Was able to get rehired with the airline. When I was ready to come back to Charlotte, I was in the best place in my life that at the time was the highest part. Fell in love for the first real time in my life and that ended six months later. After that break up, I went into a deep depression but never dealt with this issues it was causing me. Instead I was using my job as a way to take my mind off things so I worked all the time. In January of 2020 I moved in with my best friend, he told me when I moved in “This home is just as much yours as it is mine. I want you to feel safe here, I don’t think in the seven years I have known you, you have never been able to be your true self. I want and need you to be you here.

The COVID-19 Pandemic hit the United States in late February. My traveling for work stopped. That was my outlet for not having to face Charlotte, my family or my own problems I had not handled in life. During the early months of COVID, I realized with life as I knew it coming to a screeching halt that I needed to start somewhere with getting my mental health under control. I had my yearly physical with my doctor and I finally started talking about stuff I had been experiencing that I was never honest with him about. I ended up getting an appointment with a psychiatrist in which I wanted to see. I always knew something was a little off, but was too scared to explore into deeper exploration on to what that was. Along with Medication to help me process everything as well as a psychologist. I am on the road to recovery, not for anyone else, for myself. Anxiety has hindered me for the last twelve years. Until I started seeing someone, I did not understand the effects that it causes you in the long term. Thankfully with medication, it can be managed. There are also other ways to handle it that are more natural.

In late July, I made the decision to remove my parents from my life for good. It was a battle I had been fighting for ten years with no hope for it getting any better. I was angry with them for so much that had happened to me as a child, the decisions they made for me that as an adult I would never make for my child and don’t see how anyone could. You know, there is a song called “Children Will Listen” it is very true. I was called “Fagget, Queer, Homosexual” growing up, told “I wish you would have died at birth”. And experienced much more.

Ever since I started taking care of my mental health. Removing people who were only hurting me and not bringing me any joy. It has been life changing. Absolutely none of this has been easy. You relive things to understand them to be able to deal with them, learn to forgive, forget and let go, know that not everyone deserves your time and energy and understand that you are repairable. Not every relationship will be repairable but you can only fix the things you want to fix. Sometimes the people around you are toxic and you have to remove them from your life. You have to be your authentic self and anyone who does not like that version of you, you don’t need them in your life. The ones you should have surrounding you will come and fall right into place.

This is my story.

If anyone has any questions or needs advice in a situation they are in that was similar to my own, please reach out to me.

Taking care of our mental health is the most important thing we can do for ourselves in life. Without it, we don’t live life to the fullest or see life as everyone else does.

If you are not ready to work on your mental health and you are struggling it is okay. Here are some safe resources you can use. There will be things that will be so hard to talk about. But with a professionals help, you can get your life back on track.

 

Resources:

Trevor Lifeline: 1-866-488-7386

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH): 1-866-615-6464

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA): 1-800-662-HELP (4357)

MentalHealth.GOV

 

– Life does get better.

– There is light at the end of the tunnel.

– You are loved! You are beautiful!

– Your Life is Worth Living!

As Always,

-Adam

 

In recent months I have been told that I am stuck up, that I am arrogant, and that I think I’m better than everybody else. I think it’s time to clear the air myself.

I was told not too long ago that the reason that people don’t approach me is for one reason, I had a hard time accepting this. “Adam you are attractive and have an opinion, that is intimidating to most people”. I have a philosophy in life, once you accept the fact that you’re attractive, you become a complete asshole. I have never wanted to accept that, I don’t think I’m the best looking person, I feel like there’s people out there that are more attractive than me. We all compare ourselves to other people.

I personally feel like most gay men are willing to change themselves and their own morals to fit someone else’s. I refuse to do that. That doesn’t make me a stuck up person, that does not make me arrogant. I’m being true to myself and not lowering my standards for anyone. Everyone that I talk to thinks that I can get any guy that I want. This is far from the truth. I’ve only had one person that I truly wanted in my entire life, it was the first guy that I loved and the first guy that broke my heart. In a weird way I still miss the relationship.

I don’t like it when people take things personally. For example, if you approach me on Facebook, Grindr, Tinder and you’re looking at me as a sex symbol and automatically think that I want to sleep with you, unless I am interested in that  the likelihood of us hanging out with each other in a non-public setting is very unlikely. I don’t like being put in situations where I feel uncomfortable or where I feel like something may happen that I don’t want. When I was younger, I realize that guys are not gonna respect you. Regardless of who you are or what you do. I had someone reach out to me last night, actually for the last few nights. They were interested in having sex with me but I did not want to have sex with them, I told them that I wasn’t interested in that with them but if they wanted to be friends I would be down with that. They told me that they were not interested in that with me and they were only interested in fun so in that case they were going to block me and they did.

I appreciate peoples honesty, I know within the last seven years in Charlotte I have not had the best track record. I know there’s still things going around that are not true. I’m not gonna let that stop me from living my life. Everybody has a past, if you can’t see past the past and look at someone for who they are today, that’s your loss.

So what do I actually want right now in my life? I haven’t dated in two years I would love to get to know somebody but until then, I’m happy. Am I looking for people who genuinely want to be friends and not have sex or do anything sexual together. I would love to have friends that we didn’t look at each other that way. Am I looking for a relationship every time I try to talk to somebody new or old? No! A lot of time, I like to check up on people to see how they’re doing because I’m a genuinely nice person that cares.

I’ve come to the realization in my life that I’m gonna live my life to the fullest regardless of what others think. The people who want to get to know me will make time to get to know me. I have a lot of people that send me really nasty messages, do they bother me? A little bit but then I try to re-think the situation and realize they may have something going on in their own life that is making them react or attack me. Sometimes they come back and apologize, sometimes they don’t. Either way I’m the type of person that lets people say what they wanna say because everybody has a right to their opinion and feelings.

If you take anything away from this entire blog post, take this. Remember that people do change, just because you have a bad opinion or taste in your mouth about someone, you need to consider what they may have had going on in their life at that point. I am very open and honest about my life, my emotions, and how I feel. Not everyone is comfortable with doing that and that’s OK. Just because I don’t respond to your Grindr message, Facebook message or Instagram message that doesn’t mean that I don’t like you, that doesn’t mean that I think you’re a bad person or that I’m not interested. A lot of times I open them just to get the notification to go away, a lot of times I will have 15 messages at one time from a photo I posted. There is no way I can respond to everybody I try my best, it doesn’t always work.

If you would like to have dinner with me and see who I actually am, how I act instead of judging me based upon my social media or someone else’s opinion. I am willing to do so. All you need to do is reach out and ask for my number and have a time and date of where you would like to meet up at.

As always, be true to yourself, love yourself, be kind to others and remember everyone is different, not everyone is going to like you and that’s OK.

Sincerely,

-Adam

 

 

COVID-19 has affected everyone in one way or another. It took our everyday life as we knew it and changed it forever. Being able to go to work and see coworkers, going to restaurants, bars, getting a haircut, going to the doctor, movies to seeing loved ones and family. I don’t think anyone expected that this would cause a lockdown, quarantine or turn our lives upside down. The world went from a place full of people to socialize with to a world of isolation.

When all of this started in March, I was traveling for work and on the road all the time for work. When I found out that all travel was stopping I did not know how to deal with it. I mean I was traveling every week, I used work to avoid dealing with my life in Charlotte. At first it was nice not flying all over the place. Then work slowed down, barely having anything to do each day, other than being chained to my computer.

During the first month of being in my home I started walking a lot to keep me from going crazy. I was averaging 9 miles a day, it felt good to get out. I attempted to learn tennis with a friend. I was fine, it was nice to spend more than two or three nights in my home. But then the second month kicked in and I got a little stir crazy. I had to start dealing with my own life in Charlotte that I was avoiding for a year and a half. A lot of that came from a past relationship that broke me and I had to learn over time how to rebuild myself stronger and better to ensure that never happened again.

After finally being okay with the outcome and realizing how much I was out of town, it set in that my friend group in Charlotte was non existent. I had lived a life of isolation with very little human contact for about year at this point. I did not trust anyone, I did not know how to reconnect with people. I will say I have never really fit in here. I did not come from a family with money, I had a very fucked up childhood, never experiencing crucial events that every child up until the age of 18 should have. I was simply too busy trying to keep my head above water in whatever way I could.

Every human needs human interaction, human touch, intimacy and to feel important. During the last few months I started to process my entire life and started analyzing it. Trying to desperately get to the root of the issue. Why do I struggle so much with friendships, relationships, anxiety, depression and never really connecting with another human on an intimate level? I have always been excellent at putting on a happy face even when I am dying on the inside. A part of this is a survival tool, another part is to try to maybe be someone I am not. I am not sure.

The realization of the world we live in today with a deadly pandemic came at a time I did not expect. A time I needed someone, a time when I needed a hug, someone to hold me, a time when I finally started to realize why I am the way I am, which is not completely my fault. It ultimately came from traumatic events in my childhood that I never wanted to accept or deal with or process. So many people avoid feelings, thoughts they have in their own heads that they never tell anyone. I feel a lot of people are scared of the truth and understanding what happened because sometimes the truth hurts.

When we process things we went thought and start to deal with them sometimes it takes therapy, maybe a psychiatrist and finally forgiving yourself for things you have done that you never wanted to do but had no other choice. I am here to say mental health is a critical part of taking care of yourself, especially during a pandemic that changes life so much that you have to stay in isolation to save lives. I have struggled with mental health for my entire life. I am not ashamed to say that, I feel like if we speak out about issues like this it brings awareness to the topic.

When dealing with these issues we have internally, sometimes we have to remove the people from our life that hurt us can caused us pain the most. It is not an easy thing to feel or process. Sometimes its family, sometimes it friends. Sometimes we can forgive the people that caused this but not everything can be fixed. Once enough damage is done, there is no repairing it.

I have been fighting a battle for 10 years. It’s a battle that started the day I came out and identified as gay. Things over the years have improved but when you reach out, ask to do things, just want equal treatment and over all an honest explanation and a apology and none of the thing have happened you start to realize this is dragging you back into a dark hole that only you can get yourself out of. Sometimes that means ending relationships that you stopped feeling a connection with a long time ago that you never wanted to accept. I knew it was time when I saw the entire picture for the first time. The pieces made sense once I put them all together.

I have never lived my life for me and that was a huge realization during quarantine, I had always done things to make my family who I struggled with happy and proud of me. Once I realized that none of this ever worked, it never changed things, I had to stop this never ending cycle I was miserable in. So I decided to take the first step to recovery, first by contacting a professional who could help me work through all this. Second, ending a job that I did love but that was also stripping my own self worth away with being isolated, no one taking me seriously and ultimately showing myself that I could move up and do things in a professional environment. I had to know I could do it before ending it. I knew if I could achieve that I was not completely broken.

After deciding to take a buyout package, leave a job that paid me well, I decided to take my dreams that were stripped from me when I was younger and take my life back into my own hands from those who took it away from me. So I am returning to college in August. It is terrifying, but I needed to get out of my comfort zone. I needed to follow my dreams and stop lying to people and start being honest about my feelings and what I wanted. I was blinded from this for the last 10 years.

I am scared, I have no idea how I am going to pay everything in my life, I have truly no idea how this will all work out but I am taking a leap of faith and everything is working out so far so I must be doing something right. Now the next most important thing other then working though all of these things is finally finding friends my age, maybe have a relationship, feel real love from another human, have mind-blowing sex for the first time in my life and stop being so caught up and the “what if” and life and just jump in head first and if it does not work out, its okay. I’ll learn from it.

I am taking my life back into my own hands and going to stop living in a life that only brings me hurt and pain and no joy. If anyone can’t understand or see the pain or hurt over the years, I don’t need you in my life. I am not going to stop myself from following my dreams, wants and needs anymore because of what someone will think about it. It’s time to really deal with things and live life for me. Thanks to COVID-19 I am finally able to start the road to recovery.

 

As always,

-Adam XOXO

So one of my readers suggested that a write a post on how younger guys view a relationship with an older man. I can’t speak for everyone but I can speak for myself. I feel its common for some if not half of gay men to want to be in a relationship with someone older. For many reasons including stability, money, daddy issues and over all thats just what they are attracted to.

From my experience back in 2013 I started dating a man who happened to be 20 years older then me, I was 17, less than a month away from being 18. It felt natural, I liked him. And I believe in the saying “You can’t help what you like or love.” During this time in my life I desperately needed stability and love and someone who understood me and where I was coming from. It only lasted three months but it was one of the best three months of my life. For me during this time I was going though a lot with trying to be find myself and be who I was and I could never do that at home. With this relationship a very valuable lesson took place, in a very short three months, I understood my own self worth. Which at times I have lost over the years.

After December and the breakup my life went from a fairly decent place to hell on earth. To keep up with the lifestyle I had grown accustom to, I started doing solo webcam on an adult website. It did not last long though, after getting kicked for going to Dallas to see a boy and meet my aunt who happened to be a lesbian and almost having to drop out of high school it took a mental toll on me. I could not do much of anything anymore. I lived with an alcoholic who was not ready to confront his addiction and handle it and on top of that I was trying to finish high school and not die of depression.

After graduation, my aunt and uncle helped me get an apartment. After living with them in their lake house for about 3 months, I mean I did not have a car, lived in a super remote area and I was sometimes sneaking in and eating their food without them knowing, granted they probably knew! But never said anything. But back to the story, they gave me the deposit and first months rent on this apartment in Charlotte trying to help me get back on my feet. t worked out for about six months and then I met a guy in August, got engaged and we were going to get married. He was 35 and I was 18; I needed him to move in and help me out. I was starting to struggle with this apartment and my finances. Thats not why I liked him, I did care about him but the problem was, I was not in a place to be able handle this like I should have.

After that ended about 4 months into the relationship, my world once again turned upside down. I ended up loosing my apartment, ran away from my problems to Atlanta to live with a guy that lived in a 14,000 square foot house, really just needing to escape Charlotte and the problems here. But that did not at all workout. You can read about that in another post on my blog. But I ended up moving back to Charlotte and was homeless living couch to couch every night for almost a year. I had given up. But then a friend put me in contact with this organization that helped youth like me. It worked out and I left the program with a job, a place to live, and I could not of done it without the people who were supporting me.

So I started living somewhere and moved out three months later and I hated the location. It was cheep rent… I wish I still paid $400 a month for a place, but I moved into somewhere I had no business being. Quit…okay was fired but resigned from a job I was working and got another job in Property Management but I loved it.

It was 2015 and I thought I was hot shit. So I met a guy who was 53 years old and started dating him, then moved in with him after my roommate at the time moved. We lived together for almost 10 months. It was not a sexual relationship to say the least but shortly after dating him I lost my job due to a conflict of interest. I did not want to go back to work yet so I relied on him for everything and my unemployment check . It was a total shit show, I was still not willing to own my life and be an adult yet. Thats part of the reason we broke up, then that ended and I moved in with a flight attendant. It was fun but during this time and working for the airline, I was addicted to a pain killer to numb the past and everything that had happened that I did not wanna deal with yet. I ended up getting a job in San Diego and was going to clean my life up, deal with things, because if I had stayed in Charlotte I would have overdosed.

After totaling my car one night, I gave up. San Diego was off the table and work would not take my two week notice back. Not only was I about to not have a job, I was about to lose my home as well. So I called the only person I knew would understand and not judge me, that was my aunt. So I moved down to Myrtle Beach and cleaned up my life, got my job back and pushed forward.

Everything while at the beach was not perfect but there were a few things going on that I had no control over. Looking back I could of handled the situation much better. Once I was back in Charlotte, I was feeling great about my own self worth again. I was enjoying life, then one night at Bar Aragon, I was being my social butterfly self, and met someone totally unexpectedly.

At the time I was not looking for a relationship, in fact I was so blown away at the time that when the night was almost over, I asked the guy if he had a pet? I knew if he had one he would tell me “no” to my next question, he did not so I asked him back to my place which is normally something I would never do. I don’t take rejection well. So long story short we started dating in August of 2018 and broke up in January of 2019. He was 35, the first guy I actually truly loved for all the right reasons and less for what he had. Due to my past, it haunted me the entire relationship.

Once we broke up, I locked myself away from the gay community. For the first time in my life at 23, I was completely heartbroken. I had made a lot of mistakes and tried my best to fix them. It was never about the money, quality of life or what he could give me. It was that even though we laughed a lot, had a lot of talks and fights. I always looked past things to keep my best friend, who regardless of what I did would call me a dumb ass and we could keep laughing. And ultimately keep the music playing.

Today is April 7, 2020. I have been single for a little over a year now and worked on a lot of things. I just recently got back out in the gay community on a normal basics. Normally Saturday’s at Aragon. I know there will always be apps like Snapchat, Grindr, messages that disappear. I will always have my past with me. What it will not do is effect me, any longer.

Now that I am older, have a career and a salary, and used every bit of anger and hurt I had to get me to where I am today. When I look at dating, I finally have something to bring to the table. It’s not the same shit show as before with Adam Efird. I don’t need a relationship for stability or from a financial standpoint. I did what I had to do to get to where I am today… If I hurt someone along the way, I wish we could talk about it. And know if we don’t I am truly sorry.

So what’s going to happen with dating in the future? I will say I still love my zaddy’s, daddy’s and otters. They bring a lot to the table, wisdom, guidance, amazing sex, and adventures. I hope whenever someone unexpectedly pops into my life again, they can see me for who I am today, and not who I was over the past six years. I am not opposed to talking to guys in their 20’s and 30’s either. It’s hard to know a different when you have only dated older men.

My past, in some peoples eyes have been and are jaded of who I am today. I am now self made. Who ever the next person will be, its going to be what I want, not because of a need.

As always,
-Adam

 

Growing up, depending on how you were raised, you are told somethings are wrong. Somethings and some people don’t fit the status quo of what is considered “normal”. But have you ever met anyone who lights a fire in your core that burns all the way through? Someone or a group of people who you have tried to avoid because you were terrified of what would happen if you went down that avenue? Well, I went down that avenue, and I crave it more than anything else.

It all started with a hookup that turned into something I can’t stop thinking of. I have never been a huge fan of the guy who have a 1970’s porn stash. But this guy had something about him. He was 37 and in the past that has been considered my lucky number and favorite age of a man. So I invited him over. When he arrived I was a little nervous. I thought it was going to be like any other hookup, come in get naked, fuck and then leave. This was not the case.

He came in and started having a normal conversation, which is not how this normally goes nine times out of ten. After talking for about 45 mins I was in shock. I was like okay so either this guy is not into me or he really loves to talk. So I asked, are you just wanting to chat or do you want to have a little fun? And that is when it all happened. I had seen all of his photos, I knew what I was getting myself into, but it’s when we got naked that things changed. I have learned from experience that sometimes the angle of a photo makes things look larger or smaller. In this case I was wondering if I would even be able to move forward or if I just needed to go for it.

But instead of running from the fear of  what could happen, I went for it! I have had enough regrets in the past and loosing the opportunity. So we fucked. It was honestly mind blowing. I had never quite been with anyone like him and expected my body to react the way it did. Maybe its because I finally went for something that I had always wanted. Maybe it’s because I turned off that voice in the back head telling me what everyone has been telling me my entire life about what I like, that I never wanted to accept.

So I have a thing for the buff daddies with porn stashes. Throw a harness on him and some jeans and it’s on. All I know is I can’t quite get it off my mind or the craving to go away.

 

-Adam

 

 

I ask myself, “Were do I start?” There have been so much happen in the last few months. It seems life is sometime hard to understand. Between work and my personal life there is not much time for anything. I don’t know who ever said “Find a work/life balance.” If I did I would want to punch them in the face. I absolutely love my job, but for the love of god, I am 23 I feel I am building my career and I feel like I have lost my strive in life outside of work. I get growing up is not a lot of fun but when do you start enjoying life outside of work again?

 

I seem to be struggling with wanting to meet people outside of work, I have watched people over the years go through this, they seem to just keep pushing through but I feel I am held to a different standard. There are a lot of days I just want to scream! There are many days I ask myself why are you going home and not doing anything. I know its ultimately my choice of what I do after work but then feel if I go have a drink or go to meet someone for dinner I will have some kind of hell to pay for doing what makes me happy.

 

I feel back between the ages of 18 and 22, even though I was struggling with everything in my life down too wondering if I was even going to have food to eat, that things in a way kept me going. Now that I don’t worry about these things, why has life became so uneventful? I always joke about things on Grindr and I had someone say to me today “You have to respond for anything to change.” Maybe they are right! Maybe I have became so caught up in not being worried about what I am use to, that I have became okay with life as it is. Deep down though, I am not okay with it.

 

I have had 7 months to think about a lot of thing. I have thought about relationships, my career, If I want to leave Charlotte and more importantly what I want to do to be happy. I have taken away all the distractions also known as “men.” I have always been on the “find a guy” train. Over the last few months I got off at the first stop. I stopped to try to deal with things. I was more upset over my heart being broken than I realized, and did not know at the time that that is what happened. I knew the only way for it to heal was to make a decision, I could either hook up a lot and just go with it or stop the game of lying to myself telling myself I was okay when I was not.

 

I think everything hit me over the last two weeks. When I found out my grandmother was dying my entire world stopped. I had no idea what to do other than stop what I was doing and go spend what time I had left with her. Those were the hardest 5 days of my entire life. During this time I wanted desperately for someone to just hold me and tell me it would be okay, instead I was wreck, dealing with things I should not of had to deal with. I was trying to be strong for her and my entire family. I wanted everyone to be okay even if I was not, because at some point I knew I would be. I know it was my decision to go spend what time I had left with her on this earth. But watching someone dying, especially someone who loved you when you felt like no one else in the world did will completely rip you apart. Seeing things that can’t be unseen.

 

With that said I have been very quiet and to myself over the last 4 days. Maybe this is a way of my grandmother saying “Adam, you need to be happy and I want to see you happy and if you ever fall, I will be there with you, watching over you and protecting you.” I think with all that said I need to work on being more social, responding to people more, caring about myself more, not look at my email when not at work. And really try this time to do these things.  Stop giving myself such a hard time when I don’t do everything everyone else is expecting me to do. Know that in the end, what others think really does not matter. Save those fucks for something worth giving a fuck about. And more than anything, stop worrying about what others think and start living my life for myself.

 

-Adam

 

Good afternoon and welcome to another post from yours truly, Adam! So after this weekend disconnecting and really thinking about things, I have a few topics I would like to talk about. It seems these topics are things people don’t want to discuss… so of course I am going to put it into the world and get a discussion started, thats what I do.

What has happened to Charlotte? So after being single and ready to mingle again I can’t help but to notice something has happened to Charlottes gay scene. Of course being back in the single state of mind you would think I would be ready to return to the bars, thats honestly the last thing I want to do. See back in 2014 when I had moved to Charlotte and the bar scene was completely different. If you wanted to go socialize and just have a drink you would go to 316. If you wanted to dance the night way and do things that would make your mother sad, you would go to Cathode, if you wanted to socialize and dance and have an amazing time you would head over to Marigny. Since then Cathode and Marigny are now closed and 316 has changed so much other the years I have no interest in going. Of course I enjoy going to Argon, Sidelines and The Woodshed, but I’m not dying to go. I miss the bar scene Charlotte use to have. It was fun, less drama and more drag shows.

I use to meet the most interesting and cool people out. I made an effort to try to meet everyone I could, I needed connections when I was younger. But now 6 years later why am I single in Charlotte and have such a hard time meeting new people, having just friends or even a decent date? I know people hold grudges, everyone has a past but you would think guys could just realize we all change, life catches up after time and things fall into place. I love when I see someone I have known for years become the most amazing version of themselves. Seeing them get the job they have been working for or that relationship they have always deserved. These are all milestones in everyone’s life. But sometimes we watch people who have hit rock bottom rise back stronger then ever. These people understand the struggle of seeing what life was, hitting the lowest lows and saying “You know what? Fuck this! It’s my life and I deserve better.” I think Charlotte have become a city that is less forgiving and more into the gossip and not giving the person a chance to prove themselves. This is not the Charlotte I remember.

We have gay sport teams, that bring people together but is it bringing them together for the right reasons? Some people love it, some don’t. I have considered it but I don’t enjoy playing sports. But what else do we have for the LGBTQ community in Charlotte other than that and bars? Why not have a coffee group, book club, workout team, photography crew, music society, creativity explorations or better yet a place for people to go just to meet others like them? Something that does not include alcohol, sex or drugs. I have always struggled finding my “place” in Charlotte. The bars are not the answer for me. And I feel like its either the bars or kickball and that makes me sad, I know I cant be the only one that feels like this! There is more to living in a city and being gay then a weekend of drinking and a Sunday game. If anyone reads this and would be interested in starting some kind of group that does not involve sex or alcohol for Charlotte, let me know! I would love to try to make this city a better place.

Another topic about Charlotte, Why is the gay men in community shaming each other for hooking up? I will give you my own experience. So about two maybe three weeks ago I started using Tinder, Grindr has became the Sears of the gay market. So I wanted to try something new, I wanted to meet more people in the “Friend” department. So I met this guy, he was 26, had a great smile and wanted to meet for Thai. I love food so of course I said yes. He had wanted me to meet him at a bar before dinner for drinks but I did not want to drink that early in the day and I was just getting off work. So we met at Starbucks. Had coffee, walked around the neighborhood and then went to Thai. After dinner I was still having a great time hanging out so we went to grab frozen yogurt. Now if you know me you know I talk a lot, its just who I am. Finishing up our yogurt he looked at me and said “you never shut the fuck up do you?” I was shocked but honestly glad I was called out on it. I was not upset or had any negative feelings towards the guys. So after that I gave him a ride to his apartment and went home.

Of course at this point I knew if we hung out again I needed to listen more, talk less. So we did, he invited me over to watch a movie, granted I go over and the first movie he puts on is called “Love” its on Netflix and if you go and watch the first five minutes, you will understand why it was awkward. And I’ll be honest, I wanted to be friends, no photos had ever really been sent between us, we had spoke on maybe hooking up but I was not sure honestly. But one thing led to another that night and of course we hooked up and honestly it was great! I was open to Friends, Friends with benefits, dates, whatever. But I guess I did not really make that clear in the beginning. He invited me to go to the brewery’s but I had no interest. I hate beer. Also I’m on a budget so that was just not on it at the time. But he said he did not see a point in being “emotionally invested in me.” Which is fine, once again I was open to whatever, He took it was I just wanted to fuck and that was it. So I told him “Do I like you? Yes! Do I think you want to date? NO. Do I think you want to be friends with benefits? Hopefully.” I also told him “I want to get to know the real you, and see where it goes if that’s weird, oh well.”

Now Over the weekend I went to Asheville to disconnect from technology, I needed a break from Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook, Grindr all of the apps. So it went pretty well. Saturday I had a friend from South Carolina drive up and hang out around the camp fire. It was a great time. First time meeting and camping is a pretty crazy thing to do but I wanted to hang out with someone. It was not to hookup and we did not! It was more of a great time to let someone meet you without being connected. I get back to Charlotte after a fabulous weekend in Asheville to only receive a text message from this guy from Tinder. Stating “Did this guy come up and spend time and do stuff with you?” I said “He drove up and sat around the fire with me and camped out with me.” The text message I received back was more like a what the fuck is happening kinda of moment. It read: “Did you fuck him?” At this point I am sitting here thinking to myself; “Why can’t I leave town for two days without gay drama?” There is always someone trying to rain on my parade.

Long story short, because I invited a friend up, because they posted a photo of us on social media just saying “what a great day.” And because I told this guy from Tinder I wanted to get to know the “real” him, and that I would be interested in more then a hookup, which in my book is on a friendship level. He thinks I’m now leading this guy on and telling him the same thing I told him on Tinder. The next thing that he said was shocking, I was asking myself why am I even trying to explain myself to this guy? I am not dating him, we just met, we hooked up, he told me he was not wanting to get “emotionally invested” and now he is going off the deep end. “You are just a whore, a big ole 23 year old whore, I was able to sleep with you so easily! You must of fucked that guy, your upset because your being called out for being a big ole whore, Someone is going to beat the fuck out of you if you keep this up.” My response was in shock, I was not mad for being called out, I have sex yes, Do I sleep with everyone and anyone no. There for I’m not a whore. I don’t tell every guy the same thing either. Some guys I am interested in just friends, others just a good time and then you have some that turn into more then just friends. I have also never been told “Someone is going to beat the fuck out of you if you keep on doing this.” I had done nothing wrong but why are we shaming each other for having sex? I was blown away from this entire phone call and wished him the best and ended whatever kind of relationship. I honestly felt disrespected. Especially when I’m just trying to be a good guy. I don’t care who you are, I don’t care what your into, I am not going to judge you for how much sex your having, how often or with who or what ever. Be you and live your best life. Hell try something new. Thats just my experience.

Here is what I have found, people who want to “Shame” others for what they are doing or not doing, more then likely are not getting what they need or want from others in the same department. We should not shame one other for any reason, we all go through different things, shaming only makes someone feel bad or bitter towards a situation. Maybe thats part of what’s wrong with the community today, we make each other feel bad or ashamed for what we do. This only causes depression, isolation and social anxiety and we need to stop doing this to each other. Stop body shaming guys, stop with the “no fats, no fems.” We should embrace one another and support one another in everything. Instead we tear each other down. This has to stop.

My closing question is this; What happened to the scene in Charlotte? How can we make it better? And what can we do for those who want to meet people who are not interested in sex, drugs or alcohol?

How do you meet new people?

As always, be humble, be kind and love one another. We are all people who need people.

-Adam

Hello Everyone and welcome to another wonderful post from yours truly. So I have been so excited about my new web platform I am using for my new blog, I do think it is a closer fit to what I originally wanted. So I wanted to cover a topic in this post which is “Ghosting” so let jump right into it.

So back in July I met this guy on Grindr, he is something different that I’m not normally into, he is younger, 25 and in August after I had entered a relationship I had to back off due to the fact I don’t cheat. But being single again I reached back out. I was hoping to meet up for coffee, drinks, a NSA hookup whatever worked for me. So we had a chance to meet up and it was like pulling teeth. Gay rule number 1, if your not interested in someone please speak up, let them know. We are all adults but back on topic we had planned to meet up, at 7:30. 5:00pm rolled around and I received a text that he was not feeling well.

Of course at this point being the nice person I am, I allow this event to be rescheduled. So this was on Tuesday of last week, here we are on Monday of the following week and not a word. Here is the thing, I can handle if your not interested. If you don’t think it would be a good match, thats fine. I am a very forgiving individual. But to just ghost and never hear from you again is not okay. This is what’s wrong with the gay community today, I have no problem telling someone I am not interested, most guys can’t handle rejection. It’s a hard thing to deal with. But once you get over being upset about it and letting it be a learning experience things end up being so much easier.

As gay men we don’t just not like each other, we find things that make us uncomfortable or uncertain, once we move on from how it makes us feel and open your mind up to something “different” things tend to change. When you ghost someone it makes them feel like they said or did something wrong. If your on Grindr and just looking for a picture or conversation just be honest about it. If your honest about what you are or are not looking for I personally have more respect for you.

I at one time ghosted, I also did not care how the other person felt. But then it started to happen to me all the time. But now that I understand more how it makes someone feel I really try to let the person know what I’m looking for and my expectations. I can’t speak for everyone else but I value my time, for every moment I waste I will never be able to get that moment back. So there for when I’m investing time into you, please don’t discount my time.

How does it makes you feel when you ghost someone or when it happens to you? Why do you do it?

Get involved with this posting! I would love to know more of a community insight about the topic. So comment or contact me above.

Be kind to one another. Love Each other and as always stay gorgeous!

Xoxo,

Adam.

Hello everyone and welcome to another fabulous post from yours truly. Lets talk about sex, men and life changes. How maturing can change men, your life and sex.

So I have been feeling a few different things after being single and out of my last relationship and its the biggest change in my life since I came out. Recently I have been exploring a different type of guy that I normally would not.

For those of you who have known me for the past 10 years you probably know I normally attracted to more of the daddy type between the ages of 35-47. But after recently getting out of a relationship with someone who was 34 I have had a different craving. I am for the first time in my life looking to be friends with more people my age.

I think after a certain age and after being as much as an adult as I could between the ages of 17 and 22 paying all my bill, having to force myself to survive without anyone makes someone lets say 19 crave a guy who is older for multiple reason, first off older guys are often more successful, then they are normally more stable in their career, and they know what they want.

I never felt like I had anything in common with people my age. I was always worked jobs that were more important then your average 19 year old, but now that I’m 23 and working a great job, making decent money, maintaining the same place to live for a year, owning my car and having it paid off and working normal hours has really turned my world upside down.

First off and I will be honest there are a few things that I did not like about guys in their twenties. Most guys that are in their twenties normally and should party, I never really got to have a crazy late teen-early twenties. I was jealous so there was always a jealousy there because I wanted to party and have fun, but I had to make sure I would not do anything to put my job or life at risk. Then there was the sex. First off I hate when someone does not know what they want in bed, I don’t mind so much now because I have found out thats what makes it fun and enjoyable. I just wanted someone that knows what they wanted and how to do it. I did not have time to really enjoy it, it was more of “I need this, I don’t really want to do it but I need the edge taken care of.” Now that I am not as stressed or working super weird hours I have the time and energy to go and try new things. Now the interesting part is I have never had sex with anyone my age. I feel like a virgin.

And speaking of virginity, I think in your life as a gay man you often change up what you like, I think sometimes you can just be a bottom, or a top or versatile. But I think a lot of that has to do with your psychological state, for example I have never thought of myself as a top, I have always thought being versatile was the best way to go. That way your not constantly limiting yourself. The more I explore my sexuality I have started to think maybe I should stop being so afraid of what could happen and just let life happen. When you stop trying to associate sex with emotions you tend to be a much more relaxed person. In saying that, I think it is possible to have meaningless sex, then have sex with someone you want more then just sex with. I don’t think that a life full of meaningless sex is going to make you happy in the end, everyone wants someone.

I still love the older gay community, if it was not for them I would not be where and who I am today. They taught me things that I am so thankful for today. I hate when I hear the younger community say “he’s old, ew!.” Let me give you some advice, Not giving someone older a chance is limiting yourself. I have dated four guys in my life, ages 37, 35, 52 and 34. And I am only 23, Some people think its inappropriate, I say thank god for all of them, their wisdom is priceless.

I think life for me is finally just catching up and I am excited about exploring this new adventure with a different generation which happens to be my own. It’s a huge step in a great direction for myself. Maybe fate is finally on my side. Maybe my hard work is finally paying off. Who knows. All I do know is it feels so amazing to finally enjoy life with a new outlook on the people I am now comfortable being around.

So much in my life is changing, has anyone else ever had this happen to them? I would love to hear your story.

Xoxo

Adam

It just happens I have not wrote a post in a long time and I have a lot to say. I think first I’ll start with what’s new with me. Well to name a few things I have a new job I love, I am recently single and I have had to figure out how to rebuild my image after being out of the scene for a little over six months which has been a job of its own. But here we are February 25th and I’m ready to start my life back.

First and foremost rebuilding myself after a relationship was utterly painful! I went from having a lot of people in my corner to no one, talk about a culture shock! I felt like I have always been the one guy who has said “just because you’re in a relationship does not mean you need to throw all your friends away and push them to the side!” But yet I was that guy. It was my choice at the end of the day but sometimes when you want something so bad you do anything to make it work. I will never do it again. It has been too much work to repair relationships with friends and some will never forgive.

Rebuilding myself and hearing all kinds of crazy rumors has been eye opening yet surprising. I have never heard so much about my name and having someone take care of me in my life. Which surprises me because granted when I was younger I did need someone to help me out. I did what I had to and thankfully it made me who I am today. I feel in the gay community we judge each other for shit we have already done ourselves. I don’t care what you did, what your doing, if its helping you out and not hurting you or anyone else go for it. But don’t be like me and not accept help from people who truly care about you, that shit messes with you later in life. Now that I’m older and doing a lot better for myself I am thankful for all of those that helped me in the past. They set me up to depend on others less.

SuckLess sidebar as Willam would say: Don’t be ashamed of your past, its what made you “you” and without it you would not be the person you are today. I have learned that allowing someone to make you feel like you were wrong for doing those things is just not a good person, maybe they were more privileged then you. Still not an excuse.

Making your way back up to the front stage and being like yes things happened and yes I fucked up, but I am still here and as Michelle Obama would say “When they go low, we go high.” People will always think things of you and there will always be rumors, hell there is one about me that has been going on for seven years now, but you can try to clear them up or let them ride, I say let it ride and live your life. Good people end up saying they were wrong and ask for forgiveness. I have zero hard feelings towards anyone. If I really cared what others said I would not write this and I would not show my face in public. Yet here we are, Think About It.

A lot of people think I’m some crazy guy who will not hesitate to bring up something at the drop of a hat regardless of the situation. I like to think of myself as a pleasant person but once you go over that line I will ask a very direct question, I hate beating around the bush. I am getting old and tired at 23 and I just want transparency. We are all adults and we should be able to talk about our differences.

I mainly wanted to write this post really to say be you, don’t let what others say or think get you down, I have wasted enough time for everyone reading this. We are all unique in our on way. Be more open minded towards everyone’s situation and remember unless your a Kardashian your life was never easy. Love each other. Love Yourself, and remember you can do this. Life is what you make it so live your best life!

Xoxo

Adam