COVID-19 has affected everyone in one way or another. It took our everyday life as we knew it and changed it forever. Being able to go to work and see coworkers, going to restaurants, bars, getting a haircut, going to the doctor, movies to seeing loved ones and family. I don’t think anyone expected that this would cause a lockdown, quarantine or turn our lives upside down. The world went from a place full of people to socialize with to a world of isolation.

When all of this started in March, I was traveling for work and on the road all the time for work. When I found out that all travel was stopping I did not know how to deal with it. I mean I was traveling every week, I used work to avoid dealing with my life in Charlotte. At first it was nice not flying all over the place. Then work slowed down, barely having anything to do each day, other than being chained to my computer.

During the first month of being in my home I started walking a lot to keep me from going crazy. I was averaging 9 miles a day, it felt good to get out. I attempted to learn tennis with a friend. I was fine, it was nice to spend more than two or three nights in my home. But then the second month kicked in and I got a little stir crazy. I had to start dealing with my own life in Charlotte that I was avoiding for a year and a half. A lot of that came from a past relationship that broke me and I had to learn over time how to rebuild myself stronger and better to ensure that never happened again.

After finally being okay with the outcome and realizing how much I was out of town, it set in that my friend group in Charlotte was non existent. I had lived a life of isolation with very little human contact for about year at this point. I did not trust anyone, I did not know how to reconnect with people. I will say I have never really fit in here. I did not come from a family with money, I had a very fucked up childhood, never experiencing crucial events that every child up until the age of 18 should have. I was simply too busy trying to keep my head above water in whatever way I could.

Every human needs human interaction, human touch, intimacy and to feel important. During the last few months I started to process my entire life and started analyzing it. Trying to desperately get to the root of the issue. Why do I struggle so much with friendships, relationships, anxiety, depression and never really connecting with another human on an intimate level? I have always been excellent at putting on a happy face even when I am dying on the inside. A part of this is a survival tool, another part is to try to maybe be someone I am not. I am not sure.

The realization of the world we live in today with a deadly pandemic came at a time I did not expect. A time I needed someone, a time when I needed a hug, someone to hold me, a time when I finally started to realize why I am the way I am, which is not completely my fault. It ultimately came from traumatic events in my childhood that I never wanted to accept or deal with or process. So many people avoid feelings, thoughts they have in their own heads that they never tell anyone. I feel a lot of people are scared of the truth and understanding what happened because sometimes the truth hurts.

When we process things we went thought and start to deal with them sometimes it takes therapy, maybe a psychiatrist and finally forgiving yourself for things you have done that you never wanted to do but had no other choice. I am here to say mental health is a critical part of taking care of yourself, especially during a pandemic that changes life so much that you have to stay in isolation to save lives. I have struggled with mental health for my entire life. I am not ashamed to say that, I feel like if we speak out about issues like this it brings awareness to the topic.

When dealing with these issues we have internally, sometimes we have to remove the people from our life that hurt us can caused us pain the most. It is not an easy thing to feel or process. Sometimes its family, sometimes it friends. Sometimes we can forgive the people that caused this but not everything can be fixed. Once enough damage is done, there is no repairing it.

I have been fighting a battle for 10 years. It’s a battle that started the day I came out and identified as gay. Things over the years have improved but when you reach out, ask to do things, just want equal treatment and over all an honest explanation and a apology and none of the thing have happened you start to realize this is dragging you back into a dark hole that only you can get yourself out of. Sometimes that means ending relationships that you stopped feeling a connection with a long time ago that you never wanted to accept. I knew it was time when I saw the entire picture for the first time. The pieces made sense once I put them all together.

I have never lived my life for me and that was a huge realization during quarantine, I had always done things to make my family who I struggled with happy and proud of me. Once I realized that none of this ever worked, it never changed things, I had to stop this never ending cycle I was miserable in. So I decided to take the first step to recovery, first by contacting a professional who could help me work through all this. Second, ending a job that I did love but that was also stripping my own self worth away with being isolated, no one taking me seriously and ultimately showing myself that I could move up and do things in a professional environment. I had to know I could do it before ending it. I knew if I could achieve that I was not completely broken.

After deciding to take a buyout package, leave a job that paid me well, I decided to take my dreams that were stripped from me when I was younger and take my life back into my own hands from those who took it away from me. So I am returning to college in August. It is terrifying, but I needed to get out of my comfort zone. I needed to follow my dreams and stop lying to people and start being honest about my feelings and what I wanted. I was blinded from this for the last 10 years.

I am scared, I have no idea how I am going to pay everything in my life, I have truly no idea how this will all work out but I am taking a leap of faith and everything is working out so far so I must be doing something right. Now the next most important thing other then working though all of these things is finally finding friends my age, maybe have a relationship, feel real love from another human, have mind-blowing sex for the first time in my life and stop being so caught up and the “what if” and life and just jump in head first and if it does not work out, its okay. I’ll learn from it.

I am taking my life back into my own hands and going to stop living in a life that only brings me hurt and pain and no joy. If anyone can’t understand or see the pain or hurt over the years, I don’t need you in my life. I am not going to stop myself from following my dreams, wants and needs anymore because of what someone will think about it. It’s time to really deal with things and live life for me. Thanks to COVID-19 I am finally able to start the road to recovery.


As always,

-Adam XOXO

So one of my readers suggested that a write a post on how younger guys view a relationship with an older man. I can’t speak for everyone but I can speak for myself. I feel its common for some if not half of gay men to want to be in a relationship with someone older. For many reasons including stability, money, daddy issues and over all thats just what they are attracted to.

From my experience back in 2013 I started dating a man who happened to be 20 years older then me, I was 17, less than a month away from being 18. It felt natural, I liked him. And I believe in the saying “You can’t help what you like or love.” During this time in my life I desperately needed stability and love and someone who understood me and where I was coming from. It only lasted three months but it was one of the best three months of my life. For me during this time I was going though a lot with trying to be find myself and be who I was and I could never do that at home. With this relationship a very valuable lesson took place, in a very short three months, I understood my own self worth. Which at times I have lost over the years.

After December and the breakup my life went from a fairly decent place to hell on earth. To keep up with the lifestyle I had grown accustom to, I started doing solo webcam on an adult website. It did not last long though, after getting kicked for going to Dallas to see a boy and meet my aunt who happened to be a lesbian and almost having to drop out of high school it took a mental toll on me. I could not do much of anything anymore. I lived with an alcoholic who was not ready to confront his addiction and handle it and on top of that I was trying to finish high school and not die of depression.

After graduation, my aunt and uncle helped me get an apartment. After living with them in their lake house for about 3 months, I mean I did not have a car, lived in a super remote area and I was sometimes sneaking in and eating their food without them knowing, granted they probably knew! But never said anything. But back to the story, they gave me the deposit and first months rent on this apartment in Charlotte trying to help me get back on my feet. t worked out for about six months and then I met a guy in August, got engaged and we were going to get married. He was 35 and I was 18; I needed him to move in and help me out. I was starting to struggle with this apartment and my finances. Thats not why I liked him, I did care about him but the problem was, I was not in a place to be able handle this like I should have.

After that ended about 4 months into the relationship, my world once again turned upside down. I ended up loosing my apartment, ran away from my problems to Atlanta to live with a guy that lived in a 14,000 square foot house, really just needing to escape Charlotte and the problems here. But that did not at all workout. You can read about that in another post on my blog. But I ended up moving back to Charlotte and was homeless living couch to couch every night for almost a year. I had given up. But then a friend put me in contact with this organization that helped youth like me. It worked out and I left the program with a job, a place to live, and I could not of done it without the people who were supporting me.

So I started living somewhere and moved out three months later and I hated the location. It was cheep rent… I wish I still paid $400 a month for a place, but I moved into somewhere I had no business being. Quit…okay was fired but resigned from a job I was working and got another job in Property Management but I loved it.

It was 2015 and I thought I was hot shit. So I met a guy who was 53 years old and started dating him, then moved in with him after my roommate at the time moved. We lived together for almost 10 months. It was not a sexual relationship to say the least but shortly after dating him I lost my job due to a conflict of interest. I did not want to go back to work yet so I relied on him for everything and my unemployment check . It was a total shit show, I was still not willing to own my life and be an adult yet. Thats part of the reason we broke up, then that ended and I moved in with a flight attendant. It was fun but during this time and working for the airline, I was addicted to a pain killer to numb the past and everything that had happened that I did not wanna deal with yet. I ended up getting a job in San Diego and was going to clean my life up, deal with things, because if I had stayed in Charlotte I would have overdosed.

After totaling my car one night, I gave up. San Diego was off the table and work would not take my two week notice back. Not only was I about to not have a job, I was about to lose my home as well. So I called the only person I knew would understand and not judge me, that was my aunt. So I moved down to Myrtle Beach and cleaned up my life, got my job back and pushed forward.

Everything while at the beach was not perfect but there were a few things going on that I had no control over. Looking back I could of handled the situation much better. Once I was back in Charlotte, I was feeling great about my own self worth again. I was enjoying life, then one night at Bar Aragon, I was being my social butterfly self, and met someone totally unexpectedly.

At the time I was not looking for a relationship, in fact I was so blown away at the time that when the night was almost over, I asked the guy if he had a pet? I knew if he had one he would tell me “no” to my next question, he did not so I asked him back to my place which is normally something I would never do. I don’t take rejection well. So long story short we started dating in August of 2018 and broke up in January of 2019. He was 35, the first guy I actually truly loved for all the right reasons and less for what he had. Due to my past, it haunted me the entire relationship.

Once we broke up, I locked myself away from the gay community. For the first time in my life at 23, I was completely heartbroken. I had made a lot of mistakes and tried my best to fix them. It was never about the money, quality of life or what he could give me. It was that even though we laughed a lot, had a lot of talks and fights. I always looked past things to keep my best friend, who regardless of what I did would call me a dumb ass and we could keep laughing. And ultimately keep the music playing.

Today is April 7, 2020. I have been single for a little over a year now and worked on a lot of things. I just recently got back out in the gay community on a normal basics. Normally Saturday’s at Aragon. I know there will always be apps like Snapchat, Grindr, messages that disappear. I will always have my past with me. What it will not do is effect me, any longer.

Now that I am older, have a career and a salary, and used every bit of anger and hurt I had to get me to where I am today. When I look at dating, I finally have something to bring to the table. It’s not the same shit show as before with Adam Efird. I don’t need a relationship for stability or from a financial standpoint. I did what I had to do to get to where I am today… If I hurt someone along the way, I wish we could talk about it. And know if we don’t I am truly sorry.

So what’s going to happen with dating in the future? I will say I still love my zaddy’s, daddy’s and otters. They bring a lot to the table, wisdom, guidance, amazing sex, and adventures. I hope whenever someone unexpectedly pops into my life again, they can see me for who I am today, and not who I was over the past six years. I am not opposed to talking to guys in their 20’s and 30’s either. It’s hard to know a different when you have only dated older men.

My past, in some peoples eyes have been and are jaded of who I am today. I am now self made. Who ever the next person will be, its going to be what I want, not because of a need.

As always,


Growing up, depending on how you were raised, you are told somethings are wrong. Somethings and some people don’t fit the status quo of what is considered “normal”. But have you ever met anyone who lights a fire in your core that burns all the way through? Someone or a group of people who you have tried to avoid because you were terrified of what would happen if you went down that avenue? Well, I went down that avenue, and I crave it more than anything else.

It all started with a hookup that turned into something I can’t stop thinking of. I have never been a huge fan of the guy who have a 1970’s porn stash. But this guy had something about him. He was 37 and in the past that has been considered my lucky number and favorite age of a man. So I invited him over. When he arrived I was a little nervous. I thought it was going to be like any other hookup, come in get naked, fuck and then leave. This was not the case.

He came in and started having a normal conversation, which is not how this normally goes nine times out of ten. After talking for about 45 mins I was in shock. I was like okay so either this guy is not into me or he really loves to talk. So I asked, are you just wanting to chat or do you want to have a little fun? And that is when it all happened. I had seen all of his photos, I knew what I was getting myself into, but it’s when we got naked that things changed. I have learned from experience that sometimes the angle of a photo makes things look larger or smaller. In this case I was wondering if I would even be able to move forward or if I just needed to go for it.

But instead of running from the fear of  what could happen, I went for it! I have had enough regrets in the past and loosing the opportunity. So we fucked. It was honestly mind blowing. I had never quite been with anyone like him and expected my body to react the way it did. Maybe its because I finally went for something that I had always wanted. Maybe it’s because I turned off that voice in the back head telling me what everyone has been telling me my entire life about what I like, that I never wanted to accept.

So I have a thing for the buff daddies with porn stashes. Throw a harness on him and some jeans and it’s on. All I know is I can’t quite get it off my mind or the craving to go away.





I ask myself, “Were do I start?” There have been so much happen in the last few months. It seems life is sometime hard to understand. Between work and my personal life there is not much time for anything. I don’t know who ever said “Find a work/life balance.” If I did I would want to punch them in the face. I absolutely love my job, but for the love of god, I am 23 I feel I am building my career and I feel like I have lost my strive in life outside of work. I get growing up is not a lot of fun but when do you start enjoying life outside of work again?


I seem to be struggling with wanting to meet people outside of work, I have watched people over the years go through this, they seem to just keep pushing through but I feel I am held to a different standard. There are a lot of days I just want to scream! There are many days I ask myself why are you going home and not doing anything. I know its ultimately my choice of what I do after work but then feel if I go have a drink or go to meet someone for dinner I will have some kind of hell to pay for doing what makes me happy.


I feel back between the ages of 18 and 22, even though I was struggling with everything in my life down too wondering if I was even going to have food to eat, that things in a way kept me going. Now that I don’t worry about these things, why has life became so uneventful? I always joke about things on Grindr and I had someone say to me today “You have to respond for anything to change.” Maybe they are right! Maybe I have became so caught up in not being worried about what I am use to, that I have became okay with life as it is. Deep down though, I am not okay with it.


I have had 7 months to think about a lot of thing. I have thought about relationships, my career, If I want to leave Charlotte and more importantly what I want to do to be happy. I have taken away all the distractions also known as “men.” I have always been on the “find a guy” train. Over the last few months I got off at the first stop. I stopped to try to deal with things. I was more upset over my heart being broken than I realized, and did not know at the time that that is what happened. I knew the only way for it to heal was to make a decision, I could either hook up a lot and just go with it or stop the game of lying to myself telling myself I was okay when I was not.


I think everything hit me over the last two weeks. When I found out my grandmother was dying my entire world stopped. I had no idea what to do other than stop what I was doing and go spend what time I had left with her. Those were the hardest 5 days of my entire life. During this time I wanted desperately for someone to just hold me and tell me it would be okay, instead I was wreck, dealing with things I should not of had to deal with. I was trying to be strong for her and my entire family. I wanted everyone to be okay even if I was not, because at some point I knew I would be. I know it was my decision to go spend what time I had left with her on this earth. But watching someone dying, especially someone who loved you when you felt like no one else in the world did will completely rip you apart. Seeing things that can’t be unseen.


With that said I have been very quiet and to myself over the last 4 days. Maybe this is a way of my grandmother saying “Adam, you need to be happy and I want to see you happy and if you ever fall, I will be there with you, watching over you and protecting you.” I think with all that said I need to work on being more social, responding to people more, caring about myself more, not look at my email when not at work. And really try this time to do these things.  Stop giving myself such a hard time when I don’t do everything everyone else is expecting me to do. Know that in the end, what others think really does not matter. Save those fucks for something worth giving a fuck about. And more than anything, stop worrying about what others think and start living my life for myself.




Good afternoon and welcome to another post from yours truly, Adam! So after this weekend disconnecting and really thinking about things, I have a few topics I would like to talk about. It seems these topics are things people don’t want to discuss… so of course I am going to put it into the world and get a discussion started, thats what I do.

What has happened to Charlotte? So after being single and ready to mingle again I can’t help but to notice something has happened to Charlottes gay scene. Of course being back in the single state of mind you would think I would be ready to return to the bars, thats honestly the last thing I want to do. See back in 2014 when I had moved to Charlotte and the bar scene was completely different. If you wanted to go socialize and just have a drink you would go to 316. If you wanted to dance the night way and do things that would make your mother sad, you would go to Cathode, if you wanted to socialize and dance and have an amazing time you would head over to Marigny. Since then Cathode and Marigny are now closed and 316 has changed so much other the years I have no interest in going. Of course I enjoy going to Argon, Sidelines and The Woodshed, but I’m not dying to go. I miss the bar scene Charlotte use to have. It was fun, less drama and more drag shows.

I use to meet the most interesting and cool people out. I made an effort to try to meet everyone I could, I needed connections when I was younger. But now 6 years later why am I single in Charlotte and have such a hard time meeting new people, having just friends or even a decent date? I know people hold grudges, everyone has a past but you would think guys could just realize we all change, life catches up after time and things fall into place. I love when I see someone I have known for years become the most amazing version of themselves. Seeing them get the job they have been working for or that relationship they have always deserved. These are all milestones in everyone’s life. But sometimes we watch people who have hit rock bottom rise back stronger then ever. These people understand the struggle of seeing what life was, hitting the lowest lows and saying “You know what? Fuck this! It’s my life and I deserve better.” I think Charlotte have become a city that is less forgiving and more into the gossip and not giving the person a chance to prove themselves. This is not the Charlotte I remember.

We have gay sport teams, that bring people together but is it bringing them together for the right reasons? Some people love it, some don’t. I have considered it but I don’t enjoy playing sports. But what else do we have for the LGBTQ community in Charlotte other than that and bars? Why not have a coffee group, book club, workout team, photography crew, music society, creativity explorations or better yet a place for people to go just to meet others like them? Something that does not include alcohol, sex or drugs. I have always struggled finding my “place” in Charlotte. The bars are not the answer for me. And I feel like its either the bars or kickball and that makes me sad, I know I cant be the only one that feels like this! There is more to living in a city and being gay then a weekend of drinking and a Sunday game. If anyone reads this and would be interested in starting some kind of group that does not involve sex or alcohol for Charlotte, let me know! I would love to try to make this city a better place.

Another topic about Charlotte, Why is the gay men in community shaming each other for hooking up? I will give you my own experience. So about two maybe three weeks ago I started using Tinder, Grindr has became the Sears of the gay market. So I wanted to try something new, I wanted to meet more people in the “Friend” department. So I met this guy, he was 26, had a great smile and wanted to meet for Thai. I love food so of course I said yes. He had wanted me to meet him at a bar before dinner for drinks but I did not want to drink that early in the day and I was just getting off work. So we met at Starbucks. Had coffee, walked around the neighborhood and then went to Thai. After dinner I was still having a great time hanging out so we went to grab frozen yogurt. Now if you know me you know I talk a lot, its just who I am. Finishing up our yogurt he looked at me and said “you never shut the fuck up do you?” I was shocked but honestly glad I was called out on it. I was not upset or had any negative feelings towards the guys. So after that I gave him a ride to his apartment and went home.

Of course at this point I knew if we hung out again I needed to listen more, talk less. So we did, he invited me over to watch a movie, granted I go over and the first movie he puts on is called “Love” its on Netflix and if you go and watch the first five minutes, you will understand why it was awkward. And I’ll be honest, I wanted to be friends, no photos had ever really been sent between us, we had spoke on maybe hooking up but I was not sure honestly. But one thing led to another that night and of course we hooked up and honestly it was great! I was open to Friends, Friends with benefits, dates, whatever. But I guess I did not really make that clear in the beginning. He invited me to go to the brewery’s but I had no interest. I hate beer. Also I’m on a budget so that was just not on it at the time. But he said he did not see a point in being “emotionally invested in me.” Which is fine, once again I was open to whatever, He took it was I just wanted to fuck and that was it. So I told him “Do I like you? Yes! Do I think you want to date? NO. Do I think you want to be friends with benefits? Hopefully.” I also told him “I want to get to know the real you, and see where it goes if that’s weird, oh well.”

Now Over the weekend I went to Asheville to disconnect from technology, I needed a break from Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook, Grindr all of the apps. So it went pretty well. Saturday I had a friend from South Carolina drive up and hang out around the camp fire. It was a great time. First time meeting and camping is a pretty crazy thing to do but I wanted to hang out with someone. It was not to hookup and we did not! It was more of a great time to let someone meet you without being connected. I get back to Charlotte after a fabulous weekend in Asheville to only receive a text message from this guy from Tinder. Stating “Did this guy come up and spend time and do stuff with you?” I said “He drove up and sat around the fire with me and camped out with me.” The text message I received back was more like a what the fuck is happening kinda of moment. It read: “Did you fuck him?” At this point I am sitting here thinking to myself; “Why can’t I leave town for two days without gay drama?” There is always someone trying to rain on my parade.

Long story short, because I invited a friend up, because they posted a photo of us on social media just saying “what a great day.” And because I told this guy from Tinder I wanted to get to know the “real” him, and that I would be interested in more then a hookup, which in my book is on a friendship level. He thinks I’m now leading this guy on and telling him the same thing I told him on Tinder. The next thing that he said was shocking, I was asking myself why am I even trying to explain myself to this guy? I am not dating him, we just met, we hooked up, he told me he was not wanting to get “emotionally invested” and now he is going off the deep end. “You are just a whore, a big ole 23 year old whore, I was able to sleep with you so easily! You must of fucked that guy, your upset because your being called out for being a big ole whore, Someone is going to beat the fuck out of you if you keep this up.” My response was in shock, I was not mad for being called out, I have sex yes, Do I sleep with everyone and anyone no. There for I’m not a whore. I don’t tell every guy the same thing either. Some guys I am interested in just friends, others just a good time and then you have some that turn into more then just friends. I have also never been told “Someone is going to beat the fuck out of you if you keep on doing this.” I had done nothing wrong but why are we shaming each other for having sex? I was blown away from this entire phone call and wished him the best and ended whatever kind of relationship. I honestly felt disrespected. Especially when I’m just trying to be a good guy. I don’t care who you are, I don’t care what your into, I am not going to judge you for how much sex your having, how often or with who or what ever. Be you and live your best life. Hell try something new. Thats just my experience.

Here is what I have found, people who want to “Shame” others for what they are doing or not doing, more then likely are not getting what they need or want from others in the same department. We should not shame one other for any reason, we all go through different things, shaming only makes someone feel bad or bitter towards a situation. Maybe thats part of what’s wrong with the community today, we make each other feel bad or ashamed for what we do. This only causes depression, isolation and social anxiety and we need to stop doing this to each other. Stop body shaming guys, stop with the “no fats, no fems.” We should embrace one another and support one another in everything. Instead we tear each other down. This has to stop.

My closing question is this; What happened to the scene in Charlotte? How can we make it better? And what can we do for those who want to meet people who are not interested in sex, drugs or alcohol?

How do you meet new people?

As always, be humble, be kind and love one another. We are all people who need people.


Hello Everyone and welcome to another wonderful post from yours truly. So I have been so excited about my new web platform I am using for my new blog, I do think it is a closer fit to what I originally wanted. So I wanted to cover a topic in this post which is “Ghosting” so let jump right into it.

So back in July I met this guy on Grindr, he is something different that I’m not normally into, he is younger, 25 and in August after I had entered a relationship I had to back off due to the fact I don’t cheat. But being single again I reached back out. I was hoping to meet up for coffee, drinks, a NSA hookup whatever worked for me. So we had a chance to meet up and it was like pulling teeth. Gay rule number 1, if your not interested in someone please speak up, let them know. We are all adults but back on topic we had planned to meet up, at 7:30. 5:00pm rolled around and I received a text that he was not feeling well.

Of course at this point being the nice person I am, I allow this event to be rescheduled. So this was on Tuesday of last week, here we are on Monday of the following week and not a word. Here is the thing, I can handle if your not interested. If you don’t think it would be a good match, thats fine. I am a very forgiving individual. But to just ghost and never hear from you again is not okay. This is what’s wrong with the gay community today, I have no problem telling someone I am not interested, most guys can’t handle rejection. It’s a hard thing to deal with. But once you get over being upset about it and letting it be a learning experience things end up being so much easier.

As gay men we don’t just not like each other, we find things that make us uncomfortable or uncertain, once we move on from how it makes us feel and open your mind up to something “different” things tend to change. When you ghost someone it makes them feel like they said or did something wrong. If your on Grindr and just looking for a picture or conversation just be honest about it. If your honest about what you are or are not looking for I personally have more respect for you.

I at one time ghosted, I also did not care how the other person felt. But then it started to happen to me all the time. But now that I understand more how it makes someone feel I really try to let the person know what I’m looking for and my expectations. I can’t speak for everyone else but I value my time, for every moment I waste I will never be able to get that moment back. So there for when I’m investing time into you, please don’t discount my time.

How does it makes you feel when you ghost someone or when it happens to you? Why do you do it?

Get involved with this posting! I would love to know more of a community insight about the topic. So comment or contact me above.

Be kind to one another. Love Each other and as always stay gorgeous!



Hello everyone and welcome to another fabulous post from yours truly. Lets talk about sex, men and life changes. How maturing can change men, your life and sex.

So I have been feeling a few different things after being single and out of my last relationship and its the biggest change in my life since I came out. Recently I have been exploring a different type of guy that I normally would not.

For those of you who have known me for the past 10 years you probably know I normally attracted to more of the daddy type between the ages of 35-47. But after recently getting out of a relationship with someone who was 34 I have had a different craving. I am for the first time in my life looking to be friends with more people my age.

I think after a certain age and after being as much as an adult as I could between the ages of 17 and 22 paying all my bill, having to force myself to survive without anyone makes someone lets say 19 crave a guy who is older for multiple reason, first off older guys are often more successful, then they are normally more stable in their career, and they know what they want.

I never felt like I had anything in common with people my age. I was always worked jobs that were more important then your average 19 year old, but now that I’m 23 and working a great job, making decent money, maintaining the same place to live for a year, owning my car and having it paid off and working normal hours has really turned my world upside down.

First off and I will be honest there are a few things that I did not like about guys in their twenties. Most guys that are in their twenties normally and should party, I never really got to have a crazy late teen-early twenties. I was jealous so there was always a jealousy there because I wanted to party and have fun, but I had to make sure I would not do anything to put my job or life at risk. Then there was the sex. First off I hate when someone does not know what they want in bed, I don’t mind so much now because I have found out thats what makes it fun and enjoyable. I just wanted someone that knows what they wanted and how to do it. I did not have time to really enjoy it, it was more of “I need this, I don’t really want to do it but I need the edge taken care of.” Now that I am not as stressed or working super weird hours I have the time and energy to go and try new things. Now the interesting part is I have never had sex with anyone my age. I feel like a virgin.

And speaking of virginity, I think in your life as a gay man you often change up what you like, I think sometimes you can just be a bottom, or a top or versatile. But I think a lot of that has to do with your psychological state, for example I have never thought of myself as a top, I have always thought being versatile was the best way to go. That way your not constantly limiting yourself. The more I explore my sexuality I have started to think maybe I should stop being so afraid of what could happen and just let life happen. When you stop trying to associate sex with emotions you tend to be a much more relaxed person. In saying that, I think it is possible to have meaningless sex, then have sex with someone you want more then just sex with. I don’t think that a life full of meaningless sex is going to make you happy in the end, everyone wants someone.

I still love the older gay community, if it was not for them I would not be where and who I am today. They taught me things that I am so thankful for today. I hate when I hear the younger community say “he’s old, ew!.” Let me give you some advice, Not giving someone older a chance is limiting yourself. I have dated four guys in my life, ages 37, 35, 52 and 34. And I am only 23, Some people think its inappropriate, I say thank god for all of them, their wisdom is priceless.

I think life for me is finally just catching up and I am excited about exploring this new adventure with a different generation which happens to be my own. It’s a huge step in a great direction for myself. Maybe fate is finally on my side. Maybe my hard work is finally paying off. Who knows. All I do know is it feels so amazing to finally enjoy life with a new outlook on the people I am now comfortable being around.

So much in my life is changing, has anyone else ever had this happen to them? I would love to hear your story.



It just happens I have not wrote a post in a long time and I have a lot to say. I think first I’ll start with what’s new with me. Well to name a few things I have a new job I love, I am recently single and I have had to figure out how to rebuild my image after being out of the scene for a little over six months which has been a job of its own. But here we are February 25th and I’m ready to start my life back.

First and foremost rebuilding myself after a relationship was utterly painful! I went from having a lot of people in my corner to no one, talk about a culture shock! I felt like I have always been the one guy who has said “just because you’re in a relationship does not mean you need to throw all your friends away and push them to the side!” But yet I was that guy. It was my choice at the end of the day but sometimes when you want something so bad you do anything to make it work. I will never do it again. It has been too much work to repair relationships with friends and some will never forgive.

Rebuilding myself and hearing all kinds of crazy rumors has been eye opening yet surprising. I have never heard so much about my name and having someone take care of me in my life. Which surprises me because granted when I was younger I did need someone to help me out. I did what I had to and thankfully it made me who I am today. I feel in the gay community we judge each other for shit we have already done ourselves. I don’t care what you did, what your doing, if its helping you out and not hurting you or anyone else go for it. But don’t be like me and not accept help from people who truly care about you, that shit messes with you later in life. Now that I’m older and doing a lot better for myself I am thankful for all of those that helped me in the past. They set me up to depend on others less.

SuckLess sidebar as Willam would say: Don’t be ashamed of your past, its what made you “you” and without it you would not be the person you are today. I have learned that allowing someone to make you feel like you were wrong for doing those things is just not a good person, maybe they were more privileged then you. Still not an excuse.

Making your way back up to the front stage and being like yes things happened and yes I fucked up, but I am still here and as Michelle Obama would say “When they go low, we go high.” People will always think things of you and there will always be rumors, hell there is one about me that has been going on for seven years now, but you can try to clear them up or let them ride, I say let it ride and live your life. Good people end up saying they were wrong and ask for forgiveness. I have zero hard feelings towards anyone. If I really cared what others said I would not write this and I would not show my face in public. Yet here we are, Think About It.

A lot of people think I’m some crazy guy who will not hesitate to bring up something at the drop of a hat regardless of the situation. I like to think of myself as a pleasant person but once you go over that line I will ask a very direct question, I hate beating around the bush. I am getting old and tired at 23 and I just want transparency. We are all adults and we should be able to talk about our differences.

I mainly wanted to write this post really to say be you, don’t let what others say or think get you down, I have wasted enough time for everyone reading this. We are all unique in our on way. Be more open minded towards everyone’s situation and remember unless your a Kardashian your life was never easy. Love each other. Love Yourself, and remember you can do this. Life is what you make it so live your best life!



So it occurred to me finally and I fully understood what “a blessing and a curse” means. So while having a conversation, in which was very hard for me to have, someone finally made me realize what this saying means. We were talking someone being beautiful, like being physically beautiful. First off this is not a vane post, nor am I trying to speak highly of myself but someone finally made me realize something about myself I have denied for years.

I have always known that I was different then other people but it fully occurred to me how others view me. Let me start with how I see myself when I look in the mirror. The person that stares back at me is completely not how I feel on the inside, I look at myself and see all the imprefections. I see the stretch marks around my waste and back. I see the rosasha, I see eyes that are tired. I see someone who tries really hard to hide from the world whats inside.

I have always tried to look good. I hide with makeup and what makes others happy yet I am intimidated by others. If you know me your probably thinking “what in the fuck is Adam talking about?” Believe it or not I see other guys and wish to look like them. I don’t see myself as beautiful, I know I am attractive but I don’t want to become one of those guys who are assholes because they know they look good. I have always tried to be a down to earth person. I use my looks to protect me.

I have used my looks and body to get what I needed in the past. But someone pointed something out to me that I did not notice, only because I was use to it. When I walk into a bar when someone grabs my ass, or gropes my dick that is not okay. I honestly just put up with it to get by and get to who ever I was going to talk to. But this is not a good feeling when you can’t go to one gay bar and not be grabbed by someone. I did not give you permission to grope me or touch me and that is sexual assault.

Being attractive, or what my friend said which was “beautiful” is a blessing but a curse. On one hand you look great, on the other, everyone just wants to get with you because of the way you look and not just because your you. The truth is I have feelings under all the make up and glitter. I did not ask for my looks or to be blessed with an ass. And to be treated like a piece of ass feels really bad. I would honestly give my looks up to have someone who loved me for just me. Thankfully I have my looks because I don’t have much other going for me, I am really not that smart and I don’t have that great of a job. But since this has been brought to my attention I had to write about it.

There was a time in my life where I needed the attention to get day to day to make me feel important. So I would do things like glitter hairspray or tight jeans or make up. Now I don’t want all the attention, I just want to be me, and I am happy with myself. I don’t want all the attention of the world. Thats one reason I deleted my old facebook and tried to rebrand myself. I wanted people to see the new “Adam.”

I wonder if I will ever have a normal relationship with always getting attention, will the other person be able to handle it and truly still like me for me? I use to love the attention but I am starting to hate it. I wish guys would not see me as a 22 year old sex symbol. I have made my fair share of bad decisions in my life but when do people look past those and actually see the real you? I have always felt like if someone can look past the past and the looks and really look deep down they could see someone amazing.

I want to know what its like.

Dear 18-year-old Adam:

Its your senior year and there will be a-lot of obstacles, don’t give up because you will often times want to. Instead of running to Charlotte every chance you get stick around to hang out with friends from high school and build relationships with people even if your scared to. You will meet a guy and he will break you heart because he wants the best for you but don’t let it turn you bitter. There will be plenty of men in the future and this one is simply not the one for you.  Shortly after Christmas you will become homeless but it will be okay because your strong enough too handle it. During this time a lot of unfair things will happen but you are smart enough to get through any obstacle. Don’t be afraid to allow people to help you, you don’t always have to act okay when your not.

Its okay to ask for help during this time instead of doing things that will hurt you down the road. Its okay to be 18 and need money for food and going to the doctor and its important for you to have a safe space to stay. Don’t feel guilty for what you had to do to make it day to day. After graduation you will move in an apartment in Charlotte knowing you can’t afford it but you will continue to make it work as long as possible. You will meet a guy and you will get engaged in September, this will all fall apart and when it does you are going to give up and loose everything including your home and car, but it will be okay. You will meet a total stranger and get in their car and end up in Atlanta, while there you will experience hell. You can say “NO” but of course your too scared of what will happen if you say no so you lay there and allow him to rape you because your afraid if you don’t have sex with them you will not have a place to live or food to eat. This is not okay and it will effect you for a few years till you forgive yourself.

In early December you will come home and you will couch surf for a year, and you will have some of the best but also lowest times of your life during this time. But you will push through it like you always do. And jumping off the bridge over 277 is not an option and will never be one so stop being dramatic and let people know you need help because you can’t do everything by yourself.

One of the best things you will learn during this time is not only how strong you are but also how to live and use your resources and do what you have to, to keep your head above water.

Stop eating McDonalds at 3am and enough diet cokes.

Don’t be afraid to ask for a ride home if its 30degrees outside and all you have is a small coat and a pair of leather boots that have a hole in the bottom of them. You can’t afford to get sick.

Forgive mom and dad, we all make mistakes in life and both you and them could of handled the situation better.

Know its okay to be a mess at 18, you will figure it all out.

Pay your bills, it will make life easier later, credit does matter.

Try to stop smoking.

Don’t allow others to make you feel less.

Understand you are beautiful and not broken.

Stop beating yourself up and give yourself some credit!

Put the painkillers down before they kill you.

The next few years will have many ups and downs but please enjoy being young and crazy, stop being scared of the world and please don’t think everyone is out to hurt you. Please stop worrying about money and being upset that you never had a normal childhood and that you can’t always afford to do what everyone else is doing. You are only 18. You will become a beautiful person with a huge heart, you will have many road trips to Myrtle Beach and many flights to many different places. And you will make many, many, many fuckups. But they will make you, you and even more fabulous and they will be learning experiences.


Edge of 23 Adam.

PS……..Everytime you fail you will gain something. Sometimes we have to loose to win again! Love yourself and wear those shoes or pants or do your hair the way you feel beautiful. You don’t have to be what everyone wants you to be. Be you and live your life for you, that will set you free.