Moving on from any relationship is hard. I recently was getting to know someone for 4 months. It was one of the most beautiful humans I have ever met that was not only beautiful on the inside, but outside as well. Something most people will never understand or see the inner beauty they have. It was the first time in two years I really let someone in. I fell hard for this person even with all flaws and cracks, we all have them. I know you can’t force something but when it ends and you decide to be friends your entire life stops for a moment. I handle getting to know someone, especially someone I really like differently than most people. I avoid any and all distractions. I want to be loyal and not look for something better, as it is normally at that point what is in front of me is good enough for me. I think everyone deserves attention and respect.
We spent a-lot of time together over the last 4 months. We had our struggles as everyone does. But after it’s all said and done, I have been lost and confused and hurt and honestly numb. I did not and still do not want to be done with him. It’s not easy when the other person moves on. Now I know I may have had feelings unacceptably strong, but I do not apologize for that what so ever. When you know, you know. But looking back at that time we spent together was some of the best and worst times of my life. Worst being having someone being honest and call you out on your flaws and cracks. I really hated deep down when that happened but also really appreciated it.
It was never bad enough that I would have left,I don’t give up that easily, I fight for what I want. There was a-lot of joy and amazing memories. I think this hurts so much because for the first time I was myself, I did not try to change myself to fit the mold. I was honest, never held back on things I wanted to do or try. I told my deepest secrets to and trusted them with them, and still do. It seems as if everything I do everyday since it changed to just being friends, everything reminds me of him. When I wake up, I look for a text that is not there. I hear a song that he loved, a phrase he would say, experiences I wanted to have that may never happen again and it hurts to the core. It was the little weird things that I loved so much. I miss being weird and just having a good time with someone so special to me. If anything, there were many nights spent just laughing, making muffins watching YouTube, being high on life and the endless conversations that I would not even remember were we were going with the conversation until 5 mins later.
I don’t necessarily need someone to be okay in life. It’s more of how I felt during that time. A-lot of the time I felt as if I could not move past certain things and be comfortable about how things played out. It’s hard to trust, especially after failed relationships, being cheated on in past relationships and ultimately things in the past that hurt you so bad. I know all men are not like the last one and that is something I have to work on. I am at the point that in a way, I wish things would change and things would be great again but I know that is more the likely not going to happen. I don’t even want to go on a date or have sex with anyone, it hurts me too bad to think I could give myself sexually or emotionally to someone else that does not necessarily deserve to have that part of me. I feel like that always fucks up your feelings and you never actually deal with the feelings and hurt you feel. I don’t want a rebound. I also don’t know if anyone will ever live up to him in certain aspects.
Moving on or trying to is one of the hardest things for me. I don’t ever want to hate the person or have them hate me. I never want the memories of us to go away, never want the music to stop playing or the feelings I felt to stop. I wish we could be the way we were again. I can say that this person was unlike anyone who I had gotten close to or gotten to know. I could see through the mask and see how truly amazing they were. Everyone puts on a good face including me. It’s different when you see past the bullshit and understand how the person ticks. I can very confidently say that I understood him and he understood me on a level that felt like the first time I could say “me too” and that I was not alone and someone actually understands for once. Saying “Me too” is the moment you know you have a connection.
I felt freed and at ease about how someone finally understood me. They still liked me regardless of how bad it sounded coming out of my mouth or how fucked up it was. I trusted him with my life and had the best memories with someone I was interested in unlike anyone in my past endeavors. I would like to stay on good terms as well as stay in each others lives. I know there will be a day when one of us meets someone and that will definitely not be easy for me but I would rather have my best friend then loose them because of jealousy or envy.
This is hard, as life is hard. Who knows what the future holds but I wish I could change the past and do things differently. Even though we can’t, I know what to do in the future. I just have to allow myself to have the time, know it’s okay to feel the pain and be sad, make peace with the past, rediscover myself and forgive myself for the mistakes I made and improve on them. Love makes you do crazy things and when it’s over and you look back, it’s going to hurt.
I also want to touch on other peoples comments and advice. I will be the first to say, sometimes we need to tell people to “Fuck off” that absolutely can apply to your family as well. Once you are an adult, it’s your life. You can’t let your family or friends control your feelings, tell you “I told you so” or “This is what you should do”. I lived my life for 10 years trying to please everyone around me when one day I had to ask myself “Why are you doing this, Adam? You are miserable and not living your true authentic life”. Not everyone will understand and thats okay. Sometimes we need space from our friends and family to grow and figure out what we actually want in life. Moral of the story is this; Don’t care what others think, including family. When you do, your joy is not true joy because you’re worried about what others will think. As long as you are happy and doing good things, thats all that matters.
Not everything in life always works out. But never apologize for your feelings towards someone especially someone you feel so strongly about and care for. Even if things ended up working out, I could care less what people think. My happiness is all that matters in this situation. If others don’t want to see me happy then thats there own problem.
If anything, he is a beautiful human inside and out. He is extremely lovable and he will always be the one that “got away”. <3
Just my thoughts.