So one of my readers suggested that a write a post on how younger guys view a relationship with an older man. I can’t speak for everyone but I can speak for myself. I feel its common for some if not half of gay men to want to be in a relationship with someone older. For many reasons including stability, money, daddy issues and over all thats just what they are attracted to.

From my experience back in 2013 I started dating a man who happened to be 20 years older then me, I was 17, less than a month away from being 18. It felt natural, I liked him. And I believe in the saying “You can’t help what you like or love.” During this time in my life I desperately needed stability and love and someone who understood me and where I was coming from. It only lasted three months but it was one of the best three months of my life. For me during this time I was going though a lot with trying to be find myself and be who I was and I could never do that at home. With this relationship a very valuable lesson took place, in a very short three months, I understood my own self worth. Which at times I have lost over the years.

After December and the breakup my life went from a fairly decent place to hell on earth. To keep up with the lifestyle I had grown accustom to, I started doing solo webcam on an adult website. It did not last long though, after getting kicked for going to Dallas to see a boy and meet my aunt who happened to be a lesbian and almost having to drop out of high school it took a mental toll on me. I could not do much of anything anymore. I lived with an alcoholic who was not ready to confront his addiction and handle it and on top of that I was trying to finish high school and not die of depression.

After graduation, my aunt and uncle helped me get an apartment. After living with them in their lake house for about 3 months, I mean I did not have a car, lived in a super remote area and I was sometimes sneaking in and eating their food without them knowing, granted they probably knew! But never said anything. But back to the story, they gave me the deposit and first months rent on this apartment in Charlotte trying to help me get back on my feet. t worked out for about six months and then I met a guy in August, got engaged and we were going to get married. He was 35 and I was 18; I needed him to move in and help me out. I was starting to struggle with this apartment and my finances. Thats not why I liked him, I did care about him but the problem was, I was not in a place to be able handle this like I should have.

After that ended about 4 months into the relationship, my world once again turned upside down. I ended up loosing my apartment, ran away from my problems to Atlanta to live with a guy that lived in a 14,000 square foot house, really just needing to escape Charlotte and the problems here. But that did not at all workout. You can read about that in another post on my blog. But I ended up moving back to Charlotte and was homeless living couch to couch every night for almost a year. I had given up. But then a friend put me in contact with this organization that helped youth like me. It worked out and I left the program with a job, a place to live, and I could not of done it without the people who were supporting me.

So I started living somewhere and moved out three months later and I hated the location. It was cheep rent… I wish I still paid $400 a month for a place, but I moved into somewhere I had no business being. Quit…okay was fired but resigned from a job I was working and got another job in Property Management but I loved it.

It was 2015 and I thought I was hot shit. So I met a guy who was 53 years old and started dating him, then moved in with him after my roommate at the time moved. We lived together for almost 10 months. It was not a sexual relationship to say the least but shortly after dating him I lost my job due to a conflict of interest. I did not want to go back to work yet so I relied on him for everything and my unemployment check . It was a total shit show, I was still not willing to own my life and be an adult yet. Thats part of the reason we broke up, then that ended and I moved in with a flight attendant. It was fun but during this time and working for the airline, I was addicted to a pain killer to numb the past and everything that had happened that I did not wanna deal with yet. I ended up getting a job in San Diego and was going to clean my life up, deal with things, because if I had stayed in Charlotte I would have overdosed.

After totaling my car one night, I gave up. San Diego was off the table and work would not take my two week notice back. Not only was I about to not have a job, I was about to lose my home as well. So I called the only person I knew would understand and not judge me, that was my aunt. So I moved down to Myrtle Beach and cleaned up my life, got my job back and pushed forward.

Everything while at the beach was not perfect but there were a few things going on that I had no control over. Looking back I could of handled the situation much better. Once I was back in Charlotte, I was feeling great about my own self worth again. I was enjoying life, then one night at Bar Aragon, I was being my social butterfly self, and met someone totally unexpectedly.

At the time I was not looking for a relationship, in fact I was so blown away at the time that when the night was almost over, I asked the guy if he had a pet? I knew if he had one he would tell me “no” to my next question, he did not so I asked him back to my place which is normally something I would never do. I don’t take rejection well. So long story short we started dating in August of 2018 and broke up in January of 2019. He was 35, the first guy I actually truly loved for all the right reasons and less for what he had. Due to my past, it haunted me the entire relationship.

Once we broke up, I locked myself away from the gay community. For the first time in my life at 23, I was completely heartbroken. I had made a lot of mistakes and tried my best to fix them. It was never about the money, quality of life or what he could give me. It was that even though we laughed a lot, had a lot of talks and fights. I always looked past things to keep my best friend, who regardless of what I did would call me a dumb ass and we could keep laughing. And ultimately keep the music playing.

Today is April 7, 2020. I have been single for a little over a year now and worked on a lot of things. I just recently got back out in the gay community on a normal basics. Normally Saturday’s at Aragon. I know there will always be apps like Snapchat, Grindr, messages that disappear. I will always have my past with me. What it will not do is effect me, any longer.

Now that I am older, have a career and a salary, and used every bit of anger and hurt I had to get me to where I am today. When I look at dating, I finally have something to bring to the table. It’s not the same shit show as before with Adam Efird. I don’t need a relationship for stability or from a financial standpoint. I did what I had to do to get to where I am today… If I hurt someone along the way, I wish we could talk about it. And know if we don’t I am truly sorry.

So what’s going to happen with dating in the future? I will say I still love my zaddy’s, daddy’s and otters. They bring a lot to the table, wisdom, guidance, amazing sex, and adventures. I hope whenever someone unexpectedly pops into my life again, they can see me for who I am today, and not who I was over the past six years. I am not opposed to talking to guys in their 20’s and 30’s either. It’s hard to know a different when you have only dated older men.

My past, in some peoples eyes have been and are jaded of who I am today. I am now self made. Who ever the next person will be, its going to be what I want, not because of a need.

As always,
-Adam

2 replies
  1. Jody Joyner
    Jody Joyner says:

    Sounds like you’re an extraordinary young man. Things that you have been through have made you into the man you are today and thank you for sharing. In the past I was always used for money and a place the younger guys could have a stable home. Been single for 10 years now. Not going to be used any longer. It’s going to be an equal relationship for me in future endeavors. They make their own money and bring something to the relationship other than sex.

    Reply
  2. Jerry P
    Jerry P says:

    Thanks for this post! Our paths are not always so straight and smooth, but it’s the curves and bumps that make us who we are today… We all need at least one person we can count on- just one person who loves us in spite of our self… Looking forward to more updates! Be safe! Know you matter!!

    Reply

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