I ask myself, “Were do I start?” There have been so much happen in the last few months. It seems life is sometime hard to understand. Between work and my personal life there is not much time for anything. I don’t know who ever said “Find a work/life balance.” If I did I would want to punch them in the face. I absolutely love my job, but for the love of god, I am 23 I feel I am building my career and I feel like I have lost my strive in life outside of work. I get growing up is not a lot of fun but when do you start enjoying life outside of work again?
I seem to be struggling with wanting to meet people outside of work, I have watched people over the years go through this, they seem to just keep pushing through but I feel I am held to a different standard. There are a lot of days I just want to scream! There are many days I ask myself why are you going home and not doing anything. I know its ultimately my choice of what I do after work but then feel if I go have a drink or go to meet someone for dinner I will have some kind of hell to pay for doing what makes me happy.
I feel back between the ages of 18 and 22, even though I was struggling with everything in my life down too wondering if I was even going to have food to eat, that things in a way kept me going. Now that I don’t worry about these things, why has life became so uneventful? I always joke about things on Grindr and I had someone say to me today “You have to respond for anything to change.” Maybe they are right! Maybe I have became so caught up in not being worried about what I am use to, that I have became okay with life as it is. Deep down though, I am not okay with it.
I have had 7 months to think about a lot of thing. I have thought about relationships, my career, If I want to leave Charlotte and more importantly what I want to do to be happy. I have taken away all the distractions also known as “men.” I have always been on the “find a guy” train. Over the last few months I got off at the first stop. I stopped to try to deal with things. I was more upset over my heart being broken than I realized, and did not know at the time that that is what happened. I knew the only way for it to heal was to make a decision, I could either hook up a lot and just go with it or stop the game of lying to myself telling myself I was okay when I was not.
I think everything hit me over the last two weeks. When I found out my grandmother was dying my entire world stopped. I had no idea what to do other than stop what I was doing and go spend what time I had left with her. Those were the hardest 5 days of my entire life. During this time I wanted desperately for someone to just hold me and tell me it would be okay, instead I was wreck, dealing with things I should not of had to deal with. I was trying to be strong for her and my entire family. I wanted everyone to be okay even if I was not, because at some point I knew I would be. I know it was my decision to go spend what time I had left with her on this earth. But watching someone dying, especially someone who loved you when you felt like no one else in the world did will completely rip you apart. Seeing things that can’t be unseen.
With that said I have been very quiet and to myself over the last 4 days. Maybe this is a way of my grandmother saying “Adam, you need to be happy and I want to see you happy and if you ever fall, I will be there with you, watching over you and protecting you.” I think with all that said I need to work on being more social, responding to people more, caring about myself more, not look at my email when not at work. And really try this time to do these things. Stop giving myself such a hard time when I don’t do everything everyone else is expecting me to do. Know that in the end, what others think really does not matter. Save those fucks for something worth giving a fuck about. And more than anything, stop worrying about what others think and start living my life for myself.