Good afternoon and welcome to another post from yours truly, Adam! So after this weekend disconnecting and really thinking about things, I have a few topics I would like to talk about. It seems these topics are things people don’t want to discuss… so of course I am going to put it into the world and get a discussion started, thats what I do.
What has happened to Charlotte? So after being single and ready to mingle again I can’t help but to notice something has happened to Charlottes gay scene. Of course being back in the single state of mind you would think I would be ready to return to the bars, thats honestly the last thing I want to do. See back in 2014 when I had moved to Charlotte and the bar scene was completely different. If you wanted to go socialize and just have a drink you would go to 316. If you wanted to dance the night way and do things that would make your mother sad, you would go to Cathode, if you wanted to socialize and dance and have an amazing time you would head over to Marigny. Since then Cathode and Marigny are now closed and 316 has changed so much other the years I have no interest in going. Of course I enjoy going to Argon, Sidelines and The Woodshed, but I’m not dying to go. I miss the bar scene Charlotte use to have. It was fun, less drama and more drag shows.
I use to meet the most interesting and cool people out. I made an effort to try to meet everyone I could, I needed connections when I was younger. But now 6 years later why am I single in Charlotte and have such a hard time meeting new people, having just friends or even a decent date? I know people hold grudges, everyone has a past but you would think guys could just realize we all change, life catches up after time and things fall into place. I love when I see someone I have known for years become the most amazing version of themselves. Seeing them get the job they have been working for or that relationship they have always deserved. These are all milestones in everyone’s life. But sometimes we watch people who have hit rock bottom rise back stronger then ever. These people understand the struggle of seeing what life was, hitting the lowest lows and saying “You know what? Fuck this! It’s my life and I deserve better.” I think Charlotte have become a city that is less forgiving and more into the gossip and not giving the person a chance to prove themselves. This is not the Charlotte I remember.
We have gay sport teams, that bring people together but is it bringing them together for the right reasons? Some people love it, some don’t. I have considered it but I don’t enjoy playing sports. But what else do we have for the LGBTQ community in Charlotte other than that and bars? Why not have a coffee group, book club, workout team, photography crew, music society, creativity explorations or better yet a place for people to go just to meet others like them? Something that does not include alcohol, sex or drugs. I have always struggled finding my “place” in Charlotte. The bars are not the answer for me. And I feel like its either the bars or kickball and that makes me sad, I know I cant be the only one that feels like this! There is more to living in a city and being gay then a weekend of drinking and a Sunday game. If anyone reads this and would be interested in starting some kind of group that does not involve sex or alcohol for Charlotte, let me know! I would love to try to make this city a better place.
Another topic about Charlotte, Why is the gay men in community shaming each other for hooking up? I will give you my own experience. So about two maybe three weeks ago I started using Tinder, Grindr has became the Sears of the gay market. So I wanted to try something new, I wanted to meet more people in the “Friend” department. So I met this guy, he was 26, had a great smile and wanted to meet for Thai. I love food so of course I said yes. He had wanted me to meet him at a bar before dinner for drinks but I did not want to drink that early in the day and I was just getting off work. So we met at Starbucks. Had coffee, walked around the neighborhood and then went to Thai. After dinner I was still having a great time hanging out so we went to grab frozen yogurt. Now if you know me you know I talk a lot, its just who I am. Finishing up our yogurt he looked at me and said “you never shut the fuck up do you?” I was shocked but honestly glad I was called out on it. I was not upset or had any negative feelings towards the guys. So after that I gave him a ride to his apartment and went home.
Of course at this point I knew if we hung out again I needed to listen more, talk less. So we did, he invited me over to watch a movie, granted I go over and the first movie he puts on is called “Love” its on Netflix and if you go and watch the first five minutes, you will understand why it was awkward. And I’ll be honest, I wanted to be friends, no photos had ever really been sent between us, we had spoke on maybe hooking up but I was not sure honestly. But one thing led to another that night and of course we hooked up and honestly it was great! I was open to Friends, Friends with benefits, dates, whatever. But I guess I did not really make that clear in the beginning. He invited me to go to the brewery’s but I had no interest. I hate beer. Also I’m on a budget so that was just not on it at the time. But he said he did not see a point in being “emotionally invested in me.” Which is fine, once again I was open to whatever, He took it was I just wanted to fuck and that was it. So I told him “Do I like you? Yes! Do I think you want to date? NO. Do I think you want to be friends with benefits? Hopefully.” I also told him “I want to get to know the real you, and see where it goes if that’s weird, oh well.”
Now Over the weekend I went to Asheville to disconnect from technology, I needed a break from Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook, Grindr all of the apps. So it went pretty well. Saturday I had a friend from South Carolina drive up and hang out around the camp fire. It was a great time. First time meeting and camping is a pretty crazy thing to do but I wanted to hang out with someone. It was not to hookup and we did not! It was more of a great time to let someone meet you without being connected. I get back to Charlotte after a fabulous weekend in Asheville to only receive a text message from this guy from Tinder. Stating “Did this guy come up and spend time and do stuff with you?” I said “He drove up and sat around the fire with me and camped out with me.” The text message I received back was more like a what the fuck is happening kinda of moment. It read: “Did you fuck him?” At this point I am sitting here thinking to myself; “Why can’t I leave town for two days without gay drama?” There is always someone trying to rain on my parade.
Long story short, because I invited a friend up, because they posted a photo of us on social media just saying “what a great day.” And because I told this guy from Tinder I wanted to get to know the “real” him, and that I would be interested in more then a hookup, which in my book is on a friendship level. He thinks I’m now leading this guy on and telling him the same thing I told him on Tinder. The next thing that he said was shocking, I was asking myself why am I even trying to explain myself to this guy? I am not dating him, we just met, we hooked up, he told me he was not wanting to get “emotionally invested” and now he is going off the deep end. “You are just a whore, a big ole 23 year old whore, I was able to sleep with you so easily! You must of fucked that guy, your upset because your being called out for being a big ole whore, Someone is going to beat the fuck out of you if you keep this up.” My response was in shock, I was not mad for being called out, I have sex yes, Do I sleep with everyone and anyone no. There for I’m not a whore. I don’t tell every guy the same thing either. Some guys I am interested in just friends, others just a good time and then you have some that turn into more then just friends. I have also never been told “Someone is going to beat the fuck out of you if you keep on doing this.” I had done nothing wrong but why are we shaming each other for having sex? I was blown away from this entire phone call and wished him the best and ended whatever kind of relationship. I honestly felt disrespected. Especially when I’m just trying to be a good guy. I don’t care who you are, I don’t care what your into, I am not going to judge you for how much sex your having, how often or with who or what ever. Be you and live your best life. Hell try something new. Thats just my experience.
Here is what I have found, people who want to “Shame” others for what they are doing or not doing, more then likely are not getting what they need or want from others in the same department. We should not shame one other for any reason, we all go through different things, shaming only makes someone feel bad or bitter towards a situation. Maybe thats part of what’s wrong with the community today, we make each other feel bad or ashamed for what we do. This only causes depression, isolation and social anxiety and we need to stop doing this to each other. Stop body shaming guys, stop with the “no fats, no fems.” We should embrace one another and support one another in everything. Instead we tear each other down. This has to stop.
My closing question is this; What happened to the scene in Charlotte? How can we make it better? And what can we do for those who want to meet people who are not interested in sex, drugs or alcohol?
How do you meet new people?
As always, be humble, be kind and love one another. We are all people who need people.