So it occurred to me finally and I fully understood what “a blessing and a curse” means. So while having a conversation, in which was very hard for me to have, someone finally made me realize what this saying means. We were talking someone being beautiful, like being physically beautiful. First off this is not a vane post, nor am I trying to speak highly of myself but someone finally made me realize something about myself I have denied for years.
I have always known that I was different then other people but it fully occurred to me how others view me. Let me start with how I see myself when I look in the mirror. The person that stares back at me is completely not how I feel on the inside, I look at myself and see all the imprefections. I see the stretch marks around my waste and back. I see the rosasha, I see eyes that are tired. I see someone who tries really hard to hide from the world whats inside.
I have always tried to look good. I hide with makeup and what makes others happy yet I am intimidated by others. If you know me your probably thinking “what in the fuck is Adam talking about?” Believe it or not I see other guys and wish to look like them. I don’t see myself as beautiful, I know I am attractive but I don’t want to become one of those guys who are assholes because they know they look good. I have always tried to be a down to earth person. I use my looks to protect me.
I have used my looks and body to get what I needed in the past. But someone pointed something out to me that I did not notice, only because I was use to it. When I walk into a bar when someone grabs my ass, or gropes my dick that is not okay. I honestly just put up with it to get by and get to who ever I was going to talk to. But this is not a good feeling when you can’t go to one gay bar and not be grabbed by someone. I did not give you permission to grope me or touch me and that is sexual assault.
Being attractive, or what my friend said which was “beautiful” is a blessing but a curse. On one hand you look great, on the other, everyone just wants to get with you because of the way you look and not just because your you. The truth is I have feelings under all the make up and glitter. I did not ask for my looks or to be blessed with an ass. And to be treated like a piece of ass feels really bad. I would honestly give my looks up to have someone who loved me for just me. Thankfully I have my looks because I don’t have much other going for me, I am really not that smart and I don’t have that great of a job. But since this has been brought to my attention I had to write about it.
There was a time in my life where I needed the attention to get day to day to make me feel important. So I would do things like glitter hairspray or tight jeans or make up. Now I don’t want all the attention, I just want to be me, and I am happy with myself. I don’t want all the attention of the world. Thats one reason I deleted my old facebook and tried to rebrand myself. I wanted people to see the new “Adam.”
I wonder if I will ever have a normal relationship with always getting attention, will the other person be able to handle it and truly still like me for me? I use to love the attention but I am starting to hate it. I wish guys would not see me as a 22 year old sex symbol. I have made my fair share of bad decisions in my life but when do people look past those and actually see the real you? I have always felt like if someone can look past the past and the looks and really look deep down they could see someone amazing.
I want to know what its like.